Harry Potter and a Flash of Red
by purplemonkey124
Summary: After the events of Ootp, Harry faces the most difficult summer of his life.Ron must help him to overcome the grief and shock of what has happened. warning:abuse and violence,character death, and nongraphic rape. Ido not own anything of the Harry Potter.
1. Apathy

Apathy

This was the first day in two weeks that wasn't sweltering hot. It was actually quite the opposite. It was cool and pouring rain. There were kids running with their friends to the nearest one's house and adults with briefcases covering their heads while running from the car to the front door. But the weather wasn't bothering Harry in the least. In fact, he didn't even really comprehend that he was soaked through to the bone and shivering. He just sat on the park bench and stared. Stared at the first place he had ever set eyes on his godfather.

Even as he sat there thinking about Sirius, and how painful it should have been to think about, he shed no tears. He was too numb to cry. To confused. To….angry. Not exactly angry at Sirius but mad at himself for getting him killed. Angry at not trying harder during occulemency. Angry at Voldemort for being the cold blooded murderer that he was. And lastly, he was mad at everyone else. For leaving him here at the Dursley's house. It had been two weeks since he arrived though it felt like forever. At least he was able to receive letters this time. Even though he only replied two other times than the required 3 times for the order. He couldn't gain the mental energy to reply to all of the concern.

Remus's letters were the worst. They were filled with attempted comfort and sympathy that Harry knew Remus needed as much, if not more, than Harry did. Hermione's letters meant well but were overwhelming. She kept trying to get him to talk and kept insisting that she understood what he was feeling. But she didn't just get her godfather killed. She didn't just find out that she had a prophecy looming over her head. And she didn't just get mentally raped but her worst enemy. She would never know what he was going through. Ron's letters were the only ones he could bare to read and respond to. Out of the 10 he sent, Harry replied to two of them. The letters weren't full of pity or sympathy. He wrote about anything. He wrote about how annoying Hermione and Ginny were, new products that Fred and George invented, quidditch, or escape plans for getting Harry out of the muggle's house. He was the only one attempting to let Harry forget about the ministry fiasco. Even if he would only forget for a minute or so.

The only other thing that would take his mind off of things was walking outside. So that's what he did everyday, all day. He would wake up from a nightmare as not sleep for the rest of the night. When everyone was up and breakfast had been served, Harry took the Dursley's love of food for granted by sneaking out the front door and walking to the park.

As Harry sat on the bench staring and thinking, he didn't notice that his shirt was sticking to his skin, as was his hair. A particularly loud crack of thunder and a even brighter bolt of lightening brought Harry out of his thoughts with a jump and he pulled his wand out. After realizing he was scared out of his mind by the weather, he put his wand away, took a deep breath and started his journey back to number four private drive.

Once he stepped through the door he was berated by his aunt.

" Where have you been?" she snapped, "Vernon will be home soon and I don't need you making him mad by tracking mud through the house." She finished by throwing a towel at him.

"Leave your shoes outside."

He sighed and dried enough so that he wasn't dripping and made his way hurriedly upstairs to his room. He went to his trunk and pulled a clean pair of clothes out and changed. Once he was dry and warm again, he noticed Hedwig flying through the downpour with a letter tied to her leg and he noticed that the letters had been charmed to stay dry. When she got into the room he took his towel and dried Hedwig and took the letter from her talons.

"Thanks Hedwig." He said hoarsely. He had been having terrible nightmares all night and had woken up screaming. He had not used his sore voice the rest of the day.

Hedwig must have noticed the change in her masters voice because she hooted sadly. Unrolling the letter, Harry recognized Ron's messy writing immediately.

_Harry,_

_Hey mate! How're you doing? Everything's boring as hell around here. By the way, I hope you've done some of your summer homework before you get here. Hermione will have your head if you don't. She keeps yelling at me for not having started yet. I guess some things will never change huh? Mum's in a right state over here. She actually yelled at Dumbledore yesterday. Something about leaving you at the Dursley's and how they never feed you properly so she has to make extra food when you get here. She wont ever let you go now mate! You're stuck with us forever now mate! Well speaking of mum, she's yelling at me for dinner so I best get going. Don't let the muggles get you down. You'll be out of there soon!_

_ Your mate,_

_ Ron_

Harry put down the letter and sighed. He said he'd be out soon in every letter but how soon was soon? It had been three days since his last letter so he picked up a quill and some parchment and started writing.

_Ron,_

_Everything's fine here. Muggles aren't as bad as they usually are, I guess Moody's warning worked. Tell Hermione that, yes, I did start my homework. There's nothing else to do around here is there? I could really use some of your mum's cooking though. How soon is soon? Because I'm going mental. Please get me out soon._

_ Harry_

He rolled it up and called Hedwig over now that the rain had slowed to a slow drizzle.

"Sorry about this Hedwig, but I need this to get to Ron tonight." She was up to the flight though and took the letter and flew out the window.

He watched her leave and then collapsed onto his bed, ready for the nightmare he knew would plaque his mind that night.


	2. It Hurts

2: It hurts

_'why did you even bother sending him another letter?' _Ron's mind kept asking himself, _' out of the ten letters you've sent him, he's only replied to two of them. Why expect any different this time?'_

Deep down Ron knew why Harry wouldn't answer, He couldn't even imagine what his best mate was going through—being alone in the muggle world, just losing his godfather, and being possessed by you-know-who himself. He was obviously hurting very badly. Anyone with a brain could tell. He would only reply when he absolutely had to. Except the two rare times when he wrote to Ron.

He had sent a letter back to Harry after his letter got to the Burrow, but Ron wasn't expecting a response. He just flopped down on the bed with a quidditch magazine and tried to take his mind off of worrying for Harry.

Then all of a sudden through the window, he spotted a snowy white owl flying towards him. Surprised, he ran to the window and let Hedwig in.

" Hey girl, watcha got there? Is it from Harry?" she hooted sadly, "I know Hedwig but we'll get him out of there soon. I promise." She just hooted sadly again and refused Ron's attempt to get her into the cage and flew out the window. Ron sat down on the edge of his bed and unscrolled the letter

Ron's quick excitement was quickly replaced with concern and worry when he read the hasty and non-emotional letter. It didn't sound like the Harry he knew at all.

Storing the letter in his bedside table, Ron yawned and let his mind wonder over ways to help Harry.

_" Nice one James!" yelled Sirius as they both kept firing curses left and right._

_ 'James?' Harry thought, 'did he just—"_

_ Hid thought was cut off short as he heard a curse so fowl it caused his skin to crawl._

_ "Avada Kedavra!" Bellatrix screamed with wild, dangerous eyes._

_ Sirius fell backwards with so much grace and a smile on his face. He couldn't be dead. Not a chance. Even as he told himself this, he couldn't help himself from screaming out,_

_ "Sirius? Nooo…..Sirius! come back! COME BACK! Please! Noooo! SIRIUS!"_

_ And he did come back. All of a sudden he was standing face to face with a very old and beat up version of his godfather. His sunken eyes were full of such hatred and revulsion that he flinched._

_ "This is all your fault you little freak! You got me killed! All I did was try to love you! Your mother and father will be very disappointed in you. This is your fault Harry. You murderer. Your fault…your fault…"_

"my fault….my fault…m'sorry Sirius_._"

"Wake up boy! Wake up! Stop your whining you insolent brat! I'm trying to sleep!" a angry voice yelled at him. A person was shaking his arm hard.

Harry shot up with a gasped "MY FUALT!" before he realized it was just a dream. But it wasn't a dream. Sirius really did die and it really was his fault. He panted trying to get himself back under control and looked up into Uncle Vernon's purple, livid face.

" You best stop that screaming boy before I stop it for you!" Vernon said menacingly. Then he turned and stalked out of the room, slamming the door as he went.

His emotions and breathing under control again, he fell back onto his bed and stared at the ceiling.

_ 'its my fault,' _he thought to himself miserably. _'My fault he's dead. Oh god I'm so sorry Sirius! Please forgive me! I didn't men to!'_

It hurt so bad. All he wanted was his godfather. Was that so much to ask? He had only had two short years with him but they had gotten so close. They were gonna live together and become a family but he had to go and ruin it by getting him killed. It wasn't fair. Why did everyone else get a family and he didn't? What did he do to deserve this punishment? It simply wasn't fair.

He couldn't stay quiet anymore. He needed to talk to someone. And he needed someone now. He jumped out of bed and pulled a piece of parchment and a quill out and started to write.

Ron,

Please tell me you can get me out of here soon? I can't face being here another day. Please. I need people who care right now and the Dursley's just ignore me or yell at me. I feel like I' m gonna crack any day now… it's not fair. I can't eat. I can't sleep without seeing him falling through the veil and then blaming me. I can't even bloody think straight anymore. I'll go outside for a walk and the next thing I know, I'm sitting across the street staring at the first spot I ever saw him. It hurts so bad Ron. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to live with the guilt of knowing that I got him killed. I know it was all my fault. If I had listened to you and Hermione, he would still be alive. I got him killed and I don't know to live with it.

Please Ron, just try to get someone to come get me soon because I'm gonna crack soon. I need you guys right now. Please. Please. PLEASE! Get me out of here soon. I'm begging you!

-Harry

He put down the quill, and leaned back to stare at what he had written and was surprised at what he had wrote. Hedwig had come through to his window and saw the letter.

" It's okay girl, you don't have to do that tonight."

But she just hooted softly and picked up the letter anyways and flew off into the dawn.

He sighed and walked slowly back to his bed. He lay himself gingerly on his bed and faced his window. Watching the speck that was Hedwig fly off into the distance until he was just staring at blank purple and pink sky.


	3. Nightmares on Private Drive

Nightmares on Private Drive

Harry hadn't gotten anymore sleep after he had written his letter to Ron. He lay in his bed the rest of the night looking blankly out the window. When he glanced over at his alarm clock he groaned. It was already 9:30 am. Uncle Vernon would be awake soon and he expected breakfast at promptly 10:00. He got up deciding it wasn't a good idea to push his uncle after he had woken him up last night. He would already be in a fowl mood.

Picking up some clothes off his floor that weren't totally dirty, he dressed and left to go make breakfast. When 10 o'clock rolled around, it was obvious. There were giant thuds coming down the stairs. They stopped and in entered Vernon and Dudley followed 5 minutes later by Aunt Petunia.

"Morning uncle Vernon" Harry said trying to be polite.

Vernon had been making it a point to ignore Harry as much as humanly possible. Therefore he just gave a grunt of acknowledgement and sat down with his morning paper. Dudley on the other hand had no problem showing his dislike of Harry. As he walked by, he "accidentally" pushed Harry toward the stove. In order to catch himself, his hand landed in the bacon frying pan. He snatched it away immediately and gave a loud oath while running to the sink.

"Bloody hell Dudley! Watch where your lugging that fat arse of yours around!"

"Dad!" Dudley said in his most practiced whiny voice, "I'm hungry! But Harry isn't cooking!"

" Boy! Stop whining about that hand and get over to the stove and finish making our breakfast!"

"But Uncle Vernon… My-my hand…" he faltered.

"Boy! You better stop arguing if you know what's better for you." He snarled.

His hand throbbed and stung but he went over to the stove as told anyway. He placed the foods onto three plates and placed them in front of each of his relatives.

"Can I please be excused?" He tried to ask politely.

"Fine. Go." Snapped back his aunt.

Grateful, Harry almost ran upstairs to the bathroom. Looking in the cabinet he found some old bandages. Figuring that the were better than nothing, he gingerly rapped it around his hand. He grimaced as the rough material rubbed against the raw wound.

Slowly he could feel the pain ebbing away. He sighed and started making his way to his room. He sat down on the edge of his bed and warily rubbed his good hand through his hair. He was exhausted but he couldn't stay in the house with Dursley's all day he wouldn't last. That decided, he picked up his trainers and put them on. A walk outside was in order to get his head clear.

Slipping out of the house was easy nowadays. The Dursley's simply didn't care what he did anymore. So he left the house and made his way down the long street.

It was 9 o'clock in the morning when Ginny came in to wake Ron for breakfast. He grudgingly got up and started trying to find some clothes that didn't smell to badly. When he was dressed, he looked to the window and saw Hedwig flying to him once again. He was slightly startled at the fact that Harry had written him another letter before he even replied to the last one. That wasn't like Harry at all.

Confused, Ron untied the letter and started to read it. A frown slowly crept its way onto his face. He looked over at Hedwig and asked, "He's not doing to well is he, girl?"

Hedwig hooted sadly and came in to the window and to the cage where Pig was also being kept. Ron gave them some treats and tucking the letter in his back pocket, he made his slow way downstairs.

When he entered the kitchen everyone turned to stare at him. It wasn't like him to be the last Weasley down to breakfast.

"I was beginning to wonder where you were," his mother said, "Are you alright dear? You look kind of peaky."

"Mum, Dad? Can I talk to you guys in the living room please?"

" Sure dear…" His mother was worried. And by the look on his Dad's face so was he.

When they got into the living room and he was sure no one else could overhear them he shoved the letter into his mother's hands. His parents read it together and by the end Mrs. Wealsey was practically in tears and his dad looked quite worried.

"Arthur I think you should go floo call Minerva. We need to get him out of there."

He was already on his way and through the fireplace with a flash of green light.

"Ron dear, it's going to be fine. We'll talk to Dumbledore and get him out of there as soon as possible" She said as she gathered him in an embrace. "You're a great friend."

All Ron could do was nod and worry about his friend.

After sitting on the park bench the whole day again he noticed it was getting darker and cooler so he started making his way back to the house. He got about halfway down the street when he heard a soft rustling in the bushes. He cursed himself mentally as he pictured Sirius coming out of those same bushes nearly 3 years prior. He shook it off as his mind playing tricks on him and kept walking.

All of a sudden a movement in the corner of his right eye made him jump and spin around while he violently stuck his wand into the air. He looked around and when he squinted in to the distance, a dark hooded figure stood there with a wand above his head.

He took one slow step backwards and then turned and started sprinting down the other way. He just had to get into the wards of number 4 and then everything would be fine. Just then a jet of yellow light that he had never seen before flew past his left ear and barely missed him. He turned slightly and shot a stunner behind him. He didn't stop to assess the damage but he heard a thump and a groan so he assumed it hit its target. But by then there were at least a dozen Death Eaters chasing after him.

He couldn't help but wonder where his guard was. Unless it was Mundugus's shift again. If that was the case, he was on his own. He could see the house and was almost relieved when he got into the barrier of the wards. His relief quickly turned to terror though when he saw the Death Eaters come through the wards too. They had brought down the wards. Nowhere was safe now.

"Bloody Hell…", he said to himself as he ran into the house.

" Mum. Can I please go?" Ron pleaded for the tenth time that day.

"No Ronald. We can't take any chances if something was to go wrong." She said in an annoyed tone. She softened her tone when she saw how worried he was. "Plus, he'll need you to be in one piece and safe when he gets back here. He'll need you."

Ron sighed. He knew she was right. He just couldn't shake the feeling that something terrible was going to happen. Just then the fireplace came to life and a very distressed Lupin came through into the living room.

He looked pale, frightened, and worried all at once. Ron's fears of something going wrong were coming true. He could feel his world spinning around him when he heard Lupin say,

" Death Eaters! On Private Drive! They broke the wards! We need backup!"

Harry slammed the front door closed and locked it even though it wouldn't do any good against wizards. He shouted for the Dursley's hoping that they had gone out for the night but to his dismay he heard a grumpy snort from his uncle. He came around the corner looking very disgruntled.

"Be quiet boy! The whole neighborhood will hear you!"

"Uncle Vernon! We need to leave now! There are Death Eaters here! They'll kill you all if we don't leave!" Harry yelled trying to get his uncle to understand just how desperate this situation was.

He was about to lose all hope when his aunt peaked around the corner looking surprisingly terrified.

"Death Eaters?" She asked going pale white, " Vernon get Dudley and some food. We're leaving."

"But Petunia the boy—"

"—is completely right Vernon. They killed my sister. I know what they can do. We need to leave now!"

Just as she said this, the door burst open with a loud explosion.

"Bloody hell!" Dudley yelled in terror.

"Everybody go to the kitchen now!" Harry yelled frantically.

They got as far as the kitchen door when a shockingly green curse made its way toward them. It was al to familiar as the curse shot over his shoulder and hit the next closest thing. He had to stop himself from falling over a lump that had just fallen in front of him. As he looked down he saw with dread that his cousin was lying on the floor not breathing and looking at him with terror written over his whole face.

"Dudley! Nooo! Dudley! Wake up! Oh god not you too Dudley!"

Curses were still flying but he dragged Dudley's limp form into the kitchen and slammed the door behind him.

The second Vernon and Petunia saw there son was a moment he would never forget. Vernon looked confused but Petunia seemed to know and she looked up to Harry with a look that clearly read, "please tell me its not true". But he couldn't lie. All he did was shake his head yes and she let out a wail so full of grief that Harry flinched and had to cover his ears.

"Petunia what's wrong? What's wrong with our Dudders?"

She let out another sob and said despairingly,

" He's dead Vernon! He was cursed and died just how my sister was! Our Dudley!" She fell to the ground shaking but Vernon just slowly turned his gaze to Harry.

"You. It's all your fault! You killed our son! You led them here in the first place! Now my son's dead!" he raised a hand and smacked Harry so hard he fell backwards in a daze. Once he got his vision cleared though his uncle had gone back to his aunt sitting on the floor with Dudley's head in her lap.

He felt tears rise up in his eyes for some strange reason. He didn't know why he felt sorry for them. But he quickly discarder these thoughts when he heard the kitchen door spring open. There were two Death Eaters and they were both firing curses. Harry managed to dodge the first ones but as he dodged one he got hit with another. As soon as it hit him, he was rolling on the ground not caring that he was screaming himself hoarse. It felt as if a thousand or more white hot knives were piercing through his skin. He thought it wouls never stop, but then the other Death Eater stepped in.

"We can't bring him to the Dark Lord insane Rockwood. Lift the curse and lets go." He knew that voice instantly. It was none other than Lucius Malfoy. The curse finally stopped. He felt arms roughly grab him and drag him along the floor but he was too weak to fight back. Once outside the cool air was welcomed as it soothed some of the aches he was feeling from the Cruciates. But as he looked around the fights were stopping and everyone turned their glances to the Death Eater holding him and himself.

"Harry! Let him go!" through his hazy mind Harry could vaguely tell that this voice came from Mrs. Weasley.

" If anyone tries to come near us right now them and this boy will be killed instantly! And I will do it! I don't care what my masters orders are!" the Death Eater, Rockwood, said.

Everyone lowered their wands and Rockwood laughed.

"You picked the wrong side Order of the Phoenix." He turned on the spot and Harry saw one last glimpse of red hair before everything he ever knew disappeared before his eyes and he was transported somewhere where his fate could not possibly end well.


	4. Hell

Hell

It felt like every inch of his body was trying to implode upon itself and he was suffocating. It lasted about ten seconds and then ended as suddenly as he hit the ground. He had no idea what had just happened. All he knew was that his head was pounding and he couldn't see straight.

As he lifted his head to look around, he felt himself be dragged across the floor by his arm to a door that was on the other side of the room. He could feel his back and head being scraped open by the gravel on the ground. When they reached the door, his capture dropped him roughly to the ground and his arms made a loud cracking sound as they hit the cold, stone floor.

Rookwood rapped on the door three times and a hole at eye level was opened.

"P-Password Rookwood?", a voice stuttered.

"Pureblood." He replied in a harsh voice.

The hole closed and then the whole door swung open and in the doorway stood a rat-like man. His head was balding, he had giant buck teeth, and he kept his hands by his face at all times.

"Let us through wormtail. We brought the boy." Lucius said with a sneer. Peter stepped aside with a flinch as Malfoy drew his wand.

This time he was not dragged. They apparently didn't think they should waste their energy on him by carrying him so they just levitated him instead. The whole time he was trying to protect himself by feigning unconsciousness.

After a few minutes of silence and turns down numerous hallways, they finally came to a stop. He knew who they were going to. He could feel it in his scar. It slowly started throbbing more and more as they got closer to their destination. There were two more knocks and a high-pitched, cold voice spoke.

"Come in Rookwood. Lucius."

"Master. We got him. We got him." Rookwood said happily as he got down on his knees and kissed the bottom of his masters robes.

"Bring him to me."

Harry felt himself moving again and then he was thrown to the floor roughly. He let out a yelp of pain and his façade of unconsciousness dissolved.

" Well, well, well. What a nice surprise Harry. Thank you for so very kindly dropping by. I've been waiting for you. Tell me, how has your summer holiday been so far Harry? How has it been without your precious mutt?"

"Shut up!" Harry yelled as thoughts of his godfather rushed to the surface of his mind.

"Now, now Harry. No need to be rude to your host. I have very gratefully taken you into my summer home. You shall show me respect." Voldemort said strangely politely.

"Respect for what? You bloody bastard! You're sick!" He yelled furiously.

"You shall show me RESPECT BOY! Crucio!"

Harry felt every nerve of his body on fire. His skin was being ripped off surely. Knives were piercing his eyes, even his hair hurt. It was then that he knew where he was. He was in hell.

/

Private Drive was a picture of destruction. Number 4 had a dark mark hovering over it and underneath it a giant hole remained where a house once stood. After they had captured Harry, they had thought it hilarious to blow up the house. Reporters, Aurors, friends of Harry, and the Order were all gathered around the street. The aurors had been cleaning up for an hour already and were working on setting the muggle's memories straight.

Dudley's body had been taken out of the house dead but otherwise unharmed and placed on a stretcher outside for the muggle's to come and take away. Petunia and Uncle Vernon were hovered over the body crying for all they were worth. They were so out of it that they didn't even care that every inch of their property was covered with magic.

Ron was sitting on the curb of the road with the other Weasley's. All of them had tears in their eyes. Arthur was clutching Molly to his chest as she sobbed. Ron was in between Fred and George and they both had arms around him. For once they sported identical looks of shock instead of the usual and familiar smiles.

"I was so scared! I could've pulled him out of the apparition! I just stood there!" Molly cried in anguish. "He's gone Arthur! He's gone! Oh god they'll kill him!"

" He's going to be fine Molly. He's strong. We've got to stay strong for him now. We'll find him okay?" Arthur tried to console her the best he could but she just cried harder. He wasn't to dry either. He could feel tears streaming down his face too.

"Mum? Don't give up on him. I know him. He'll give You- Know-Who hell. He's strong. Dad's right. He'll make it. He had to!" Ron finished with a cough as he choked on the lump of dread lodging in his throat. He had to be ok. He was the boy-who-lived. That had to mean something right? He'd make it. He just had to!

/

He didn't even have the energy to think anymore. His mind was blank it seemed. All he could muster was the strength to listen to the steady drip of the ceiling. Other than that it remained deathly silent. Nobody had come to check on him for a few hours now. He was beginning to think they just forgot about him. He hadn't eaten since yesterday morning and it was night now.

Although they did leave him in a room with water. There was a sink in the far corner of the stone cell. But every time he tried to move his way over there pain radiated through his body so bad that he had to bite his hand to not scream. They had been torturing his for a week now. Every hour he had a new 'visitor' as he called it. But they hadn't come in at least 3 hours now. And it was starting to put him on edge.

His torture sessions had been worse than anything he ever imagined. They found the art of making him scream until his throat was raw the most joyous event ever. They would laugh jubilantly as they would finally break him and he would collapse of exhaustion. He wouldn't be able to move a muscle and they like to take advantage of it. That's when the real fun would begin. They would levitate him halfway to the ceiling and then let him drop to the ground with a resounding crack. By that point Harry could barely manage anything but a low moan of pain as his wounds would reopen. Bellatrix was the worse so far. The fact that she was the one to kill Sirius and taunted him about it made it ten times worse than the others. She would laugh manically as she saw tears in his eyes from both the physical and mental pain. She truly was a sick women.

Just then, for then for the first time in hours, he heard those dreaded footsteps. He felt dread rising in his chest but still slightly hoping it was one of the dim death eaters. They didn't know the worse tortures so it was more bearable.

He was a shadow and a figure unlocked the cell door. As the shadow appeared closer he lost all hopes of having a stupid death eater. He may not be the most smart person ever, but man did Lucius like to get creative.

/

It was going on 3 weeks now that Harry had been missing. The Order was doing everything they could to figure out where Voldemort was keeping him, but with no such luck. At this point they were losing hope of even finding him alive.

It infuriated Ron to know that they lost there faith in Harry. If Harry was dead Ron would be able to tell. He would _know. _But he hadn't felt anything of the sort yet. He could only feel pain, sadness, loss, anger - every bad emotion—he felt it. He was mad at everyone for not doing more and and mad at himself for not protecting his best friend. He fet terrible.

The first couple of days had been the hardest. He didn't even come down for meals. He would only eat a little when someone brought it up to him. He couldn't stand to look at anyone in the eyes. Not even Hermione could get through to him. She stood outside his room for an hour talking and knocking but got no answer.

He knew he was hurting her, but he just couldn't muster the courage to face her and see her pain. If she felt as bad as him, he wouldn't know how to help. He'd probably just make it worse.

What finally got him to come out was none other than Lupin. He had just lost Sirius, and then Harry. His last connection to his best friends.

Ron had been coming out of the loo when Remus walked by. Ron hadn't talked in days. He didn't know what made him do it, but he felt his mouth open and a hoarse croak followed,

"R-Remus…" he cleared his throat and tried again, "…Rumus- I-I just…" he didn't know what to say.

"You don't have to say anything Ron." Remus said sounding tired, "look I miss him as much as you do. We're doing everything we can. We just don't have any leads right now. But we're going to find him. He'll be alright. But right now Hermione and your parents, and your siblings are all missing him too. They need you and you need them." And with that he gave one last look and walked past Ron and down the stairs.

He stood there in the doorway of the bathroom for what seemed like hours, contemplating on what his next move would be. Slowly he made his way to the stairs. He gave one last backwards glance towards his room and then headed downstairs. When he entered the room, the whole room went silent. He felt all eyes on him.

He heaved a sigh and walked over to Charlie sitting at a table where a game of chess was sitting.

"Play me?" he asked in a voice that he didn't recognize as his own.

"Sure. Sit." There was a look of hope in Charlie's eyes as he watched his younger brother concentrate on the game in front of him. Maybe things might turn out ok after all.

/

An ear splitting scream pierced through the cell as the tortures continued. It was Bellatrix's turn. She had been at it now for about 30 minutes or so and showed no signs of letting up anytime soon. He had been under the cruciatus, cutting curses, and countless imperius's that made him do other various painful tasks.

"Oh itty bitty baby Potter. Have you had enough yet? You in too much pain? I bet your friends aren't even looking for you anymore."

"Your lying. They're still looking for me. You'll see." He rasped out painfully.

"Well in the mean time, we still have a playdate to finish. How about a potion? For me?" she said in a sickly sweet voice that made him shiver in terror of what was to come.

" It doesn't even taste that bad." She uncorked a vial of green potion and attempted to put it into his mouth. He turned his head sharply and shut his mouth tight in desperation.

" Now, now Harry we don't want to be rude now do we? Well…. If you won't drink it I'll just have to do this.." and with that she stood up and tipped the vial just enough to let out a small stream of it and it landing on his bare skin.

There was pain beyond any cruciatus he'd ever felt. The potion was burning his skin. He could feel blisters forming on his arms and chest and he swore his arms were on fire. But he didn't want to let her see that she was breaking him. So he bit his lip until he tasted blood and tears were streaming down his face. The pain and the bloody taste in his mouth combined made him gag. He turned himself onto his side quickly and retched up what little he had ingested over the past weeks.

Just as he thought he might die from it all, he felt a bucket of ice cold water thrown over him and sighed in relief. He lay there shaking and gasping for air.

"You're weak Potter. Pathetic." She stated simply as though she were merely telling him the weather, and left. The second he heard the door click he let out a shuddering breath and felt tears of pain, humiliation, and pure hopelessness well up in his eyes. He had never felt so alone in his life. He was sure he was going to die here. And nobody would ever again wonder about the wonderful boy-who-lived.


	5. Findings

Finding Harry

A month had gone by since that horrible night. A month since Harry's capture. One month of long night Order meetings, failed plans, and most importantly, one month of hopeless worry and grief. Though most of the Order believed Harry to be dead, they still looked. There were many nights where Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and the twins sat outside the door waiting until sometimes two in the morning when the meeting would finally end. Those nights no one slept. All of them had racing thoughts about the boy who was being held in a dark place being tortured.

They still had no clue how to find Harry though. Wherever they had taken him had been put under very close watch and very powerful enchantments. They couldn't find him anywhere.

It was now 3 o'clock in the morning and Ron, Hermione, and Ginny were all sitting huddled together on Ron's bed talking in hushed voices.

"What if we never get him back?" Ginny said with a cracked voice as tears brimmed her eyes. "He's been gone for so long. What if they've killed him by now?". She looked at her brother and best friend for reassurance and got nothing in return other than blank stares from both of them. Ron recovered first,

"We can't think like that Gin. He's going to come back, and come back alive. We have to stay strong for him. He's probably to tired to stay strong. So we have to for him."

Hermione cut in.

"They're trying everything they can. We have to believe in Dumbledore. He's our only shot at getting him back. As long as he's looking, we all are. We're not giving up on him Gin."

" I know but…. I just can't stand the though of him being locked up all alone in some cell bleeding and broken and thinking about Sirius and his cousin—" she lat out a low sob. Hermione scooted over until she was sitting next to Ginny and brought her into a tight embrace. Both crying freely into each others shoulder.

They stayed like that for a few minutes and then Ginny broke the connection with a loud sniff and looked at her brother.

" Do you ever feel as if you never told him how much he meant to you?" her voice still quivered slightly but her eyes were now dry. Ron stared at her for a moment before responding quietly,

" Everyday."

She sniffed again and then they lapsed into silence until eventually Hermione had to pull a nearly asleep Ginny out and into their own room, leaving Ron to sit alone and stare at the empty, to cold bed next to his own.

Harry let out a pained whimper as the blade was once again drug across his chest, leaving a giant lightening bolt shaped cut across his torso.

"Stop. Please. No stop." He was beyond the point of remaining stoic in front of these people. He hurt to much to be stoic about it. He couldn't even recall how many times he had screamed or cried in front of them anymore. He had been here so long now. He didn't know whether it had been months or years.

"Please. I'll do anything! Just stop cutting me please!" he begged.

"Anything Potter? Really? You'd willingly give yourself up just to stop me? Very brave of you. Well I'll give into your wishes just this once. Just let me have a few minutes so I can decide what game we should play next, huh?" Lucius seemed much to happy about Harry's new willingness but Harry was to pained and out of it to realize what he had just cursed upon himself.

It had been no longer than ten minutes when Lucius came back to find Harry nearly asleep again. A quick kick to the stomach was enough to fix that problem. He let out a groan and his eyes opened. What he saw confused him. There four death eater, standing there looking at him with mad and hungry faces. Lucius, Greybeck, Macnair, and Crabbe were all watching him as he took in their faces.

By the time his blood went cold at the realization of what they were going to do, it was too late. He didn't have time to fight back. He simply felt a strong tugging at his tattered shirt and trousers before they were pulled off completely. He started panicking as Greybeck took the first position and pushed himself in with ease. This was obviously not his first victim, Harry thought. He could feel some force beyond his panic and humiliation building though. He couldn't tell what it was but he prayed to Merlin that it would help him. With every push and every new entrance and touch, his panic increased tenfold. And with his increased terror, the force started gaining in strength. It made him dizzy and he felt like there was a giant buzzing in his core. It wasn't very pleasant, he thought.

Then suddenly when he felt himself be filled with something warm and sticky, it exploded inside him. He saw stars as his whole body exploded in to ecstasy and pain, but at the same time, through those cursed stars, he heard and saw the death eaters being slammed in to the wall and with a groan they were all knocked unconscious. Slowly he felt his body come back down and his breathing started to return to normal. The mix of the painful intrusions, and the giant explosion of magic had worn him out completely. It was all he could do to curl up into as tight of a ball as he could and, shaking, he welcomed the blackness as it enveloped him in its arms.

He wasn't aware of the alarms that went off at the ministry in the department of Usage of Underage Magic. He wasn't aware of the uproar it caused in Grimmauld place when the Order was contacted of his whereabouts. And lastly, he wasn't aware of the countless tears of relief that were shed by almost everyone at the house. Tears of relief because he was alive, and they knew where to find him.

"Malfoy Manor?" Molly yelled outraged, " We already checked there though! He wasn't there!"

"There must have been some fairly strong enchantments where he was being kept." Dumbledore replied thoughtfully.

" But then how are you gonna find him? Isn't he still under charms?" Ron asked confused.

"Yes, but now that we know where he is, its just a matter of breaking the curses. And I must admit that I know Voldemort's mind well enough by now so I can't imagine it will be very hard." His twinkle was back in his eyes. Everybody knew that if he had his twinkle back, he knew what he was doing. And if he knew what he was doing, then they were getting Harry back.

He awoke just half an hour after it happened. At first he didn't know what had happened or where he was, but when he felt that draft he___**knew**_. He _**knew**_ what they did to him. It made him want to be sick. And he did. He rolled right over and vomited up the little food and water they had actually decided to give to him. And when there was nothing left he dry heaved until finally his stomach stopped contracting and he lay back down exhausted and shaking again. Merlin he was tired of shaking. He curled back into a ball again and that's how he remained the rest of the day. No one bothered to check on him. Probably because they were terrified that he would throw them into the wall too. Well if they were afraid, then serves them right. He just stayed in his ball shaking and staring blankly at the wall. He hadn't even bothered to put his clothes back on. They were so torn that they wouldn't cover anything anyways. Plus they had seen everything already so why bother covering it? Now they just had easy access for the next time they took his body away from him.

No one was going to find him now. Even if they did, what did he have to live for anymore? Those Death Eaters had taken everything now. No not the Death Eaters. Voldemort. Voldemort took everything. It might have physically been the Death Eaters, but it was really Voldemort that it came down to in the end. He couldn't find one thing in his head to live for anymore. Remus would hate him because he managed to get his best friend killed. Everyone else would just think he was disgusting. Tainted. Untouchable. Property now owned by the Death Eaters that claimed his body as their own. He was absolutely disgusting.

There was also so much pain. Unbearable pain every time he moved at all. He had been tortured for so long, he forgot what it felt like **not** to be in pain. It had become so normal for him. But his eyes still watered every time he moved. His back was torn to shreds. His front had a giant lightening bolt cut and bruises littered him from various kicks and spells. His ribs were either broken or bruised. As were his left hand and wrist. He had been under so many different curses that he couldn't remember which ones anymore. And potions had been poured onto his skin leaving shining, red, raw flesh behind. He was beginning to hope that he would end up like Neville's parents in the mental ward at St. Mungo's. Or better yet….dead.

His dark thoughts were interrupted when he heard a loud bang. He didn't know what it was from, but he thoroughly hoped it was a Death Eater getting punished for something.

Then for no reason whatsoever a thought randomly shot through his head. He thought about it for the rest of the night. It kept him going but he couldn't tell what the thought or memory was from. All he remembered was a flash of red and then nothing. But whatever it was, it made him fell slightly better. Safer. That one flash of red flicking across his vision over and over until he fell asleep.

"Mum please let us go." Ron pleaded with his mum.

"We've been over this already Ronald. It's too dangerous. Plus Harry'll need you when he gets back. We'll be busy cleaning up and catching the Death Eaters. You all and Madam Pomfrey have to stay here to take care of him." She said calmly.

Ron nodded and went back to the couch where Hermione and Ginny were sitting with scared looks on their faces.

" Well its time. Let's go ahead and apparate to the Manor." Dumbledore said.

So one by one they apparated until they all stood outside the front doors of the Mansion. Under disillusionment and silencing charms, they were able to sneak by two guards and gain access into the house. No one seemed to be inside though. Suddenly in front of what appeared to be a closet door, Dumbledore stopped and raised both of his hands above his head.

" What is it?" Remus asked curiously. But Dumbledore just hushed him and started muttering under his breath words that nobody but he could understand. There was a pause and then a giant bang made them all jump when the door opened and revealed a long staircase going into what looked like a cellar.

"This way." And everybody followed him down without a second thought. Then when they reached the end of the staircase he turned and ordered instructions to Arthur.

"Arthur, you take Harry's invisibility cloak and go find him. He's probably down that other corridor under a very heavily locked door. Find him and bring him outside. There will be a cooking pan. That's the portkey. It'll activate in about 5 seconds once you touch it. When you get him home Poppy will take it from there. We need you to come back though ok? Good luck my boy." He gave one proud look and then the group walked down the opposite direction. He threw the cloak over himself and then started his search.

He looked down every corridor but found no rooms that looked to be under heavy locks. That was until he found another corridor and the only room at the very end had five locks on it. He walked up and put his ear to it. He couldn't hear anything but he thought he'd try his luck anyways. He tried every unlocking charm he knew but none would work. In the end a reducto curse was the only thing that would open it.

The dust was blinding for a minute but once it started settling, he squinted and could bearly make out the naked and unmoving form of a boy that couldn't have been older than 16. He ran and dropped down beside the body. He could see clothes nearby but they were torn to shreds. So instead he conjured a blanket and wrapped it around the slightly trembling boy.

"Oh Merlin Harry no. What did they do to you?" he swore as he scooped up Harry slightly and started shaking him.

"Wake up. Harry please wake up. Please. You can do it!" he pleaded. And then he saw a twitch in Harry's hand. A slight tremor.

"Harry? Come one that's it. You can do it."

There was a quiet grunt followed by a whimper and the green eyes fluttered open. Harry only saw the blinding red hair.

"R-Ron?" his voice was hoarse and bearly made it above a whisper.

" No Harry. It's Mr. Weasley. It's Arthur. We came to bring you home. Come on now. You saved me last year. Now it's my turn." with that he scooped Harry up the rest of the way and started running, ignoring the moans of pain that were emitting from Harry's mouth. They could hear the battle taking place and he stopped running at the end of the hallway to make sure no one was following them. He took one glance at the boy's face and tears started streaming down his face. Harry's face was a mask of pure agony. Being bounced around had reopened some wounds on his back and was jarring his broken ribs.

"Harry I'm sorry, but we have to get you out of here. We have to make a run for it. It's going to hurt, but I have to do this as fast as I can ok?"

Harry gave a small nod of acknowledgement and that was the only trigger that was needed. Arthur suddenly started sprinting as fast as he had in his entire life, and he didn't stop until he was back outside and he fell clutching the stitch in his side. The fall made Harry start nearly sobbing with pain and his green eyes were beginning to roll back in his head.

Ignoring his own discomfort, he accio'd the portkey to him and grabbed Harry. In five seconds he could feel a strong tug on his navel and he saw a swirl of colors as they were taken back to Grimmauld Place. They landed inside the house in the front entrance and he heard a loud scream from Harry as he landed on his new injuries and before he could do anything else, Harry passed out.

"Shit. Harry stay with me! Help! SOMEBODY HELP!"


	6. Happy Home?

Happy Home?

"Shit. Harry stay with me! Help! Someone help!" Arthur screamed until he saw the children and Madam Pomfrey round the corner with wide eyes.

"Harry!" They all yelled at once.

"Arthur! What happened to him? What did they do?" She immediately went on checking for injuries.

"I don't know Poppy. Everything I suppose." He replied in a solemn manner. "I'm sorry. I need to get back and help round up the death eaters. Take care of him. Please." He had a pleading look in his eyes and she nodded. And with one final look at the broken boy he had come to care for the past few years, he turned on the spot with a crack and was gone.

Ginny, Ron, and Hermione stood there in a shocked silence staring at the form of their friend lying on the ground bleeding. But they were knocked out of their thoughts as soon as Pomfrey's shrill voice snapped,

"Well don't just stand there! Go get washcloths, hot water, soap, and every potion in your mum's stash. NOW!"

So they ran. Getting the supplies as fast as they could while Madam Pomfrey remained behind and paled with every new injury she found.

"How are you still alive Potter?" She muttered sadly to herself. They got back panting and waited for her instructions.

"Weasley, can you move him to the living room so I can begin working on him?"

"S-sure." He faltered. He scooped down and started lifting gently as to not cause him anymore pain or injuries. He was unconscious but still had a pained expression on his face with every move. He was too light. They obviously hadn't been feeding him. A feeling of hatred so strong coursed through Ron's veins then and his blood ran cold for a moment. They had to pay.

He placed him on the couch and almost gagged when he looked down at his arms and chest. He was covered in scarlet. Harry's blood was smeared everywhere. And when he looked at Harry, he had blood covering his every body part. It was caked in his hair, soaking through the blanket that had now slipped down to his stomach, revealing a giant lightening bolt shaped cut on his chest that was oozing fresh blood. When Ron saw that cut it felt as though all the air had been squeezed from his chest. He looked at Hermione with and incredulous look. When she caught his eyes, he knew she had seen it too. Her eyes were brimming with tears.

"I'm sorry. But you need to wait outside. I need room to work" Poppy quickly rushed them out of the room and the shut the door leaving the three stunned teens to sit on the stairs waiting.

It had been just over an hour now. Just over an hour with no news on the order or Harry's condition. They sat and waited patiently but were beyond restless with worry. Ginny and Hermione were sitting next to each other on the bottom step and leaning their heads to rest against each others. Ron on the other hand was more active in his desperation. Five minutes into their wait, he had begun pacing down the hallway and had still not stopped. His pacing was soon stopped though, when they heard a giant bang come from the front door and the three of them had their wands out instantly.

They only lowered them when they heard Arthur's voice again.

"Ron! Get Pomfrey now! Your mom can stay with Harry, but its Remus and its urgent!" He was frantic. And when he looked at the stretcher he knew why. Remus's face was bloodied and swollen and it was barely recognizable as him old Professor. And Ron wasn't about to ask questions. He just simply turned and dashed into the sitting room where Madam Pomfrey had just finished her last treatments on Harry.

"Madam Pomfrey! Dad says they need you now! It's Remus! I think there's something really wrong with him." He said it all in one breath. At first he wasn't even sure if had understood him. She just stood there with a blank look on her face before she started gathering all her supplies again.

"Stay with him Mr. Weasley." And with that she left, leaving him alone confused and dizzy trying to figure out what was happening. He was starting to sway when he felt arms gently grab him and lead him to the chair next to Harry's couch. He took deep breathes and was able to finally see who had come into the room. His mum.

"Mum. What's going on?" He cursed himself as his voice sounded a bit more childish and scared then he wanted it to sound like. "What happened to Remus? Will he be ok?" She looked at him for a moment before taking a deep breath and started explaining.

"Ron….. Remus got hurt. Very badly. Poppy is going to do everything she can, but it doesn't look good. He had a nasty gash on his face from a curse. And Pettigrew saw that as an advantage. All he had to do was touch it and he would be poisoned instantly. He attacked him from behind and put his silver hand to it. As a werewolf his system can't handle much of it. I'm not sure he can pull through this. But if anyone can help him, it's Poppy." She tried to look reassuring but even she didn't seem to believe what she was saying.

" But….. no. He can't die! No! He has to be here for Harry when he wakes up! He already lost Sirius and his cousin! He can't lose Remus too!" He was so confused. His mind was nothing but one jumbled and chaotic mess. Everything was pinning out of control and there was nothing he could do to prevent it. Molly put a hand on his shoulder but he shrugged it off and got up only to go sit back down with Harry on the couch. He stared down at his friend and hoped against all hope that Remus would make it. If not for anything else, then at least for Harry. He couldn't go through this without him. His mother gave him a moment with his friend before standing up and sitting by Harry's feet silently. That's how they stayed for a while.

The silence was disturbed when they heard footsteps descending the stairs and making their way to the sitting room. His dad, sister and Hermione all came into the room with sullen faces. When he looked closer, it even looked like there were tears on their faces. Even his dad's. He had never known his dad to cry. That alone told him everything. He looked at his sister who was determinedly avoiding his glance and then at Hermione, Who was staring at him with fresh tears falling down her face. He tried asking her silently the question he was too afraid to speak aloud and she seemed to understand because she just shook her head. Remus was gone. And Harry was alone once again.

He didn't remember when his parents and Ginny left. And he didn't remember when he decided that Harry needed to be moved. But soon he found himself walking up the last flight of stairs and past Sirius's old room with Hermione at his feet. He her sniffling and quietly poke his head around the door frame unseen by the room's occupants. Mad Eye sat in the chair by the window with his head in his hands and on the bed there were two people. One was Remus. His face was no longer swollen and the cut was clean and ran in one straight line from his left eye to his chin. It had a silver tint to it and he was unmistakably dead. Next to him was Tonks. She lay there with silent tears running down her face while one hand held his cold and unmoving one and her other hand stroked his hair.

Ron found it hard to move then. He simply stood there still carrying Harry, unnoticed by Tonks or Mad Eye. That was until he felt a hand on his back. He jumped and turned around and saw his father mouthing the words 'go on'. He nodded and went to his and Harry's room and Hermione rushed forward to turn down the bed. He placed Harry down on one and then collapsed on his own bed. His father stepped inside the room and simply put a number of bandages and potions on the bed stand and then left again. The second the door snapped close, Hermione burst into tears. Ron panicked and then rushed to her side bringing her down onto his bed and gathering her into his arms.

"I can't believe he's back! But- but look what they've don't to him. He's so broken! And.. oh god…and Remus! How's Harry going to deal with Remus, his cousin, and Sirius? Ron what are we going to do?" That was as much as she could get out before the sobs grew in intensity. He didn't say anything though, because truthfully, he didn't know what they were going do.

She quieted down after a few minutes and wiped her eyes on her sleeve.

"I'm sorry about that….I just-"

"Don't. Nothing to be sorry for." He cut in.

She gave him one real close look and then suddenly,

"How can you be so strong through all of this? How are you so calm?" she asked with almost a tint of annoyance. He shrugged,

"I don't know. I just.. he needs me to be strong. If no one is then he has to be. He's had to be strong for too long 'Mione. I don't want him to think he has to be strong for us anymore."

"Oh Ron… I hope he knows how lucky he is to have a friend like you." She sighed and walked over to one side of the bed where Harry was sleeping and took his hand in hers. He watched her for a moment before going to the other side of the bed, conjured two chairs, and took Harry's other hand in his.

"Come on mate, don't give up on us now mate. We need you back here. You have to stay with us okay mate?"

That was where they fell asleep that night. Ron was only vaguely aware of his mum coming in and dragging a nearly asleep Hermione out of the room. She came back and then moved a very groggy Ron back to his bed. But he was sure he felt his mum place a kiss on his forehead before he drifted back off once again.


	7. Painful Awakenings

Painful Awakenings

Harry had been home now for 3 days and still he hadn't been truly awake at all. The first night he slept peacefully. Not one nightmare or vision had plagued him. During the day he had continued sleeping. Ron and Hermione had refused to move from the room. They only finally gave in only when both their stomachs gave loud rumbles at dinner time and Molly refused to have them eat in the room. So after a quick supper, they had rushed back upstairs to sit vigil at their friends bedside.

The second night wasn't as peaceful as the first. After Molly had finally convinced Hermione to go to her room to "keep Ginny company", Ron was getting ready for bed himself when he heard a noise coming from the bed. It was quiet at first and at first he thought it was nothing but the house and its usual spooking creaks and moans. But the second time it happened he looked around the room almost in a panic to see what it was. He almost dismissed it but when he looked down at the bed next to his, Harry was actually the one making these noises. His face was screwed up in pain and he was breaking out into a cold sweat. He was emitting small moans and was muttering something under his breath. Ron had to go right up to Harry's bed and put his ear by his mouth to tell what Harry was saying.

"no…please get off…please…no more…get off….please!"

Ron's blood ran cold as he realized Harry had to be dreaming about his torture. Whatever they did, he knew it had to be unforgivable and horrible. Madam Pomfrey had explained what his injuries were and how to treat them, but when asked how they happened, she would change the subject. He knew it wasn't fair to ask her. She probably didn't know herself what exactly they had done to him, but he wanted answers. He wanted someone to tell him everything they had done so he could mentally beat himself up for not being able to prevent it or being able to protect Harry.

He didn't know what to do now. He was staring at his friend obviously in pain and hurting and being scared out of his wits by something he couldn't see, and yet he had no idea how to help. He got up from where he was kneeling on the floor and sat on the edge of the bed by Harry's head. All he did was simply place his hand on Harry's forehead and he went still. His face relaxed and so did the rest of his body. He tried to move back to his own bed but the second his skin stopped touching Harry's, his face screwed up again and a small whine made its way past Harry's mouth.

All he could do was make himself comfortable sitting against the headrest of the bed and placed his hand back on Harry's head. This time he smoothed Harry's hair back from his sweat soaked forehead and then fell still as he too drifted off, only to awake early in the hours of dawn with a very stiff neck. So dragged his way to his bed after making sure Harry was still calm.

That next day was spent with Pomfrey in the room constantly to monitor a very persistent fever that was climbing dangerously. It could be contained for a little while but would then spike to dangerous levels. At one point, it got to be so high and could not be taken down with any amount of potion. That ended with Mr. Weasley picking Harry up and running to the nearest washroom. After filling it with ice cold water, he dropped Harry in and had to restrain him so he wouldn't hurt himself or anyone else. But still Harry didn't wake up. 'Thank merlin' thought Ron. Anyone being dumped into a freezing cold bath wouldn't find it very comfortable. When his fever was down, he was dried and put back into dry clothes and carried to bed. Even an hour later, he was buried under blankets and still shivering.

The third night was the worst. Ron didn't sleep once that night. He sat with Harry all night but even resting his hand on Harry's head like he did before didn't seem to help the nightmares that were plaguing him. Harry was shaking and thrashing around in his bed like he was fighting off some kind of attack. 'He probably was' Ron realized with a heavy heart. So he sat there all night, refusing to sleep until he saw some sign that Harry was waking up.

That finally happened though that third day. It was raining lightly outside and around 3 o'clock, Harry finally started to stir. Ron, Hermione, Molly, and Madam Pomfrey were all together in the room when Harry let out a low groan. Molly and Poppy immediately rushed to the bed.

"Potter? Harry can you hear me? Harry if you can hear me open your eyes please." Poppy urged.

He let out another low grumbling noise and he forced his eyes to open, snapping them shut immediately when the light proved to much for his pounding head to take.

"Ron go shout out the lights please." His mum said as she stroked Harry's hair. "Shhhhh Harry it's ok. It's just Mrs. Weasley. You're safe now. Every things going to be ok now I promise." She whispered as he stared at each of them confused and slightly terrified.

"W-wha…" he winced at his sore throat and coughed and tried to swallow but he found that his mouth and throat were much to dry. Madam Pomfrey must have noticed his struggle because he soon found a pair of gentle and cool hands pulling him up into a sitting position and a glass of cold water in hand. His hands were shaking but he managed to swallow a few glorious mouthfuls before spilling the rest of it into his lap. He looked down shamefully at his lack of strength.

"Sorry" he said quietly as Molly vanished the wetness.

"Oh no dear don't be. It's not your fault. Your just going to need to gain your strength back is all. You've been sleep for three days and you've been through a lot. Your body needs time to heal and strengthen again." Pomfrey said to try and console his reddening cheeks. He nodded slightly and then tried to say what he was going to before.

"What happened? How did I get out of there? Last thing I remember is them in the room torturing me." He shuddered slightly at the mention of that day. He could remember what their last form of torture was. He could still feel their bodies pressed into his, their smell still burnt into his nose, their breath against his skin. They had been inside of him. They had tore him apart from the inside out. Literally. As he thought more about it, the more ill he felt. He could feel bile start working its way up his throat and he only had time to mutter the words, "M'gonna be sick.", before a bowl was conjured and placed in front of him. He threw himself forward and retched hard into the bowl even though all that came up was potions and water. He dry heaved a few times and he could feel his stomach contracting painfully and he moaned in pain. Everything hurt. There were hands on his back rubbing and there were hands holding a rag to his face wiping off the sweat and spittle.

"Here drink this" Poppy said while holding a vile of some bluish grey liquid. He looked at her skeptically but soon took it and downed it in two gulps. The second it hit his tongue, he almost retched again. It tasted awful, but he managed to keep it down. He was glad he did. His nausea went away and his head no longer hurt. He nodded at her thankfully and then leaned into Molly, resting his tired head onto her shoulder.

"My dad got you out Harry" Ron spoke up after everything had calmed down. Harry jumped. He had hardly even noticed that Ron and Hermione were there. They were both staring at him worriedly and he gave them a questioning look, to tired to speak.

"The order found out you were in Malfoy Manor. You somehow did accidental magic. It set off alarms. They made a plan and dad went to find you when they were fighting off the death eaters. You were pretty beat up there mate. M'glad your ok." He said around the lump that had suddenly lodged itself into his throat. Hermione nodded in agreement but didn't speak as she had tears running hopelessly down her face.

He found it odd that he couldn't really remember anything that had happened when he escaped. He vaguely remembered being in a lot of pain when he hit the ground, and he remembered a voice yelling for help, but that was it.

"Is he ok? I mean he didn't get caught did he? For helping me? Did anyone get hurt?" He asked with a tint of worry in his voice. The looks of sadness and hesitation in their faces did not go unnoticed though. He felt his heart drop to his stomach and do a back flip. That's when he noticed that he didn't know where anyone else was.

"Was- was it anyone in your family Ron?" He asked with a slow hesitation. He held his breath and when he saw him shake his head no, he let it out in a loud huff. He was confused now. He was trying to think of anyone else who it could've been. And then he remembered.

"Where- Where's Remus? Is he ok?" he didn't even need an answer. Their faces told him everything. "No… Where is he? Is he going to be ok? Please tell me he's okay? Ron?" He was pleading now. Why wouldn't they tell him what was going on? He started shaking and continued to stare at Ron for an answer. Ron looked at every one else helplessly and then turned to Harry.

"Harry…mate… Remus got hurt pretty bad. He had silver in his bloodstream and he lost a lot of blood…" He cursed himself as he used the past tense. And Harry seemed to notice too.

"What do you mean 'had'? Pomfrey patched him up right? Surely it was easy right?" He looked at Pomfrey with hope and she didn't make eye contact.

"Harry… she did everything she coul-"

"NO!" Harry screamed and everyone was shocked into silence. "NO! He can't be gone! He's just sick!"

"Harry she did everything she could but he didn't make it. He was too weak." Molly said and he just stared at her in shock. His mouth was trying to form words but he simply couldn't. His mind had gone completely blank. All he could think was,

_'Remus's dead….dead… Remus…dead Remus….' _And as many times as he repeated this to himself, it didn't seem to settle in his mind. It couldn't be true. That would mean he had nobody. And suddenly out of nowhere his mood changed. In a startling low and menacing voice he growled,

"Who?"

" 'Who' what mate?" Ron asked nervously.

"Who did it? Who killed him?" his voice was still scary.

"Ummm…..it was…..it was Pettigrew."

Harry's mood seemed to change dramatically again. He simply nodded and looked blank. Ron was starting to get worried when Harry finally spoke up again.

"I wanna see him.'

"Harry dear, you're not strong enough. You'll make yourself sick if you get up" Mrs. Weasley said.

" I don't care. Please. I need to see him." He begged

They all gave each other looks and then seemed to come to a decision.

"You can see him as long as you take someone into the room with you incase you get ill." Pomfrey bargained. As soon as he nodded, he was being carefully dragged off the bed. When he first tried to stand he almost collapsed but was caught by Ron before he hit the ground.

"I'll take him mum. Is that okay mate?" he asked. Harry looked up at him with sad eyes and nodded his head. So they clumsily made there way out of the room and down the hallway. When they reached the room with the nametag 'Sirius' on it, Harry gasped in shock and surprise at seeing the name.

"I'm sorry Harry. It was the only room they saw fit to keep him in. It made the most sense. They're moving him tonight." He waited until Harry caught his breath and then pushed open the door. At the first sight of Remus on the bed, Harry gave up all attempts of standing and simply let Ron take all of his weight. He walked Harry over to the bed and sat him down in the chair that was set next to it. Harry just sat there staring unbelievably at the body laying on the bed. It still hadn't sunk in. Remus looked like he was just sleeping. Like he could wake up at any time. But he was too pale Harry realized. And when he touched Remus's hand, it was ice cold. Because he was dead. He had finally gotten free of Voldemorts Headquarters and now his closest thing to a parent was gone. Just like his real parents. Just like Sirius just a month or two before. Now he was really alone for the first time in his life. He drew in a shuddering breath that he didn't even know he was holding and then felt tears falling with grace down his cheeks and onto the bedspread below him. Sirius's bedspread. With that one final coherent thought, he felt as if the world was spinning underneath his feet and the walls were crashing in on him. His world was shattering and he couldn't do one damned thing about it.

He barely felt the arms that were holding up, keeping him upright in the chair. He barely heard his own pleads and moans of utter despair. He was sobbing more then he had ever in his life before. But he didn't have the mind set to care. Nothing mattered. All he knew was pain.


	8. Better Days

Better Days

Ron knew the second that he and Harry stepped into that room was a mistake. Even he hadn't been in to see Remus. He had been to busy sitting by Harry's bed to leave. So when they got their first glimpse of the pale form laying on the bed, it came as a shock to him as well. But he had to push aside his own shock and grief because he had to be there for Harry. This was his last piece of his parents and last chance at any proper family.

Harry had taken one look at the bed and let out a low but grief-stricken moan and simply collapsed into himself. His legs gave out from under him and Ron had to practically drag him over to a chair by the bed. He sat him in the chair and then stepped back to watch his friend. He sat there like a statue at first. He didn't move at all. He simply stared in disbelief at the figure in front of him.

When Harry moved to take Remus's hand in his own, Ron held his breath. So did Harry. It was like Harry was testing Remus. He was testing to see if this had all been some horrid practical joke. Ron was starting to get worried, He hadn't seen Harry take a breath in for a while. But just as he was about to voice his worry, Harry let out a very painful sounding breath. His breathing was hitching and he was shaking so much that Ron was afraid that he might fall out of the chair. So he walked up to Harry and kneeled down. He tried to push him away from Remus, but Harry refused to let go of his hand.

He was pleading with Ron to let him stay. Ron had his hands on either forearm trying to pull him away from this nightmare.

"Harry come on. We should leave. You don't wanna be here mate. Not now." Ron was whispering to him trying to see reason.

" No…no Ron stop… STOP…I need to be with him…Ron…R- Ron no…" He was barely making any sense with his ramblings. He couldn't get out any full sentences through his sobs. Harry kept fighting and still wouldn't let go of Remus's hand.

"Harry, you need to let him go. Let him go mate." That was the last thing Ron said when Harry lost all his fight and hung limp in Ron's arms. Whether out of exhaustion or defeat, he didn't know. But all that mattered to him was that when he reached down to pull Harry's hand out of Remus's, it slid out easily. He quickly replaced his hand in Harry's and he squeezed it. Harry responded slightly by squeezing lightly back. His head was resting on Ron's shoulder, and one of his hands was gripping his shirt tightly. His breathing sounded painful, but it was steadying. Ron had one hand squeezing Harry's tightly. He didn't dare let go. His other arm was wrapped protectively around Harry's back holding him close. He was calming back down but he still felt little tremors run through his back.

"Harry lets go ok? You need to get back into bed and rest." He felt Harry give a slight nod, so he slowly began the task of getting Harry up. He stood him up and then turned him so they were side by side. Ron put an arm around Harry's waist to hold him up and they trudged to the room next door.

When they returned, only Hermione and his mum were there. He walked over to the bed and helped Harry into it and then sat back down on his bed next to Hermione.

"Harry dear, Madam Pomfrey wants you to take these potions. There's one for a fever and there's one for the pain. I also have to put this salve on your bruises and cuts. I'll need you to pull off your shirt dear." The way he froze up when she told him this did not go unnoticed by anyone in the room. "I'm sorry dear. There's nothing to be embarrassed by. It's not your fault what they did to you." He slowly nodded, and with a slight hesitation, he slowly and painfully started taking off his shirt.

All three of them gasped when they saw what was underneath. He was littered with bruises and cuts. When he saw them staring, he flinched away and tried to cover himself with the covers.

"No. Harry its okay. Don't be embarrassed. Just let me put this salve on them okay?" She waited until he nodded and then started in. He had to resist the urge to flinch away when he felt her fingers working on his tender skin. When he finally realized that it was only Mrs. Weasley, he started to relax. The potion was leaving a light tingly feeling all over his skin. It was soothing to his aches. He was starting to feel content. The light tingling, the fingers messaging his skin, and the quiet voices of his friends were enough to put him into a daze, and his eyes started to droop. He could feel himself going back into the world of sleep and he started to lean forward involuntarily. The fingers stopped there ministrations, and then he felt two different hands on his shoulders. They were bigger, rougher, stronger. They were pushing him down into the bed and he felt to weak to fight them. He was feeling okay with the hands on him until they didn't let go. Once he was lying down, the hands stayed on his shoulders pushing. This didn't feel right to him. Then the other hands were back again working a liquid into his chest and stomach. He was starting to get really anxious and then he felt the hands try to work their way down farther. They were right on the edge on his waist band, and then they went the under just the slightest. The second he felt that, it was too much. He started bucking wildly on the bed and his eyes flew open in an instant. Ron's face was inches away from his and his eyes looked confused and scared. But Harry was too much terrified to be worried about scaring his friend. He just wanted the hands off of him. The light feminine hands seemed to have stopped and he looked over and Mrs. Weasley was standing at the bed looking frightened.

"Get off of me." Harry said weakly. And then Ron seemed to get the message. He immediately lifted his hands away and backed away from the bed. He sat up quickly, He was breathing heavily and his head was just beginning to screw on the right way again. He started to feel embarrassed and slightly guilty.

" M'sorry." He said to them all. " I don't know what came over me." He looked down guiltily at the bedspread and squeezed his eyes shut.

He heard someone coming to stand next to him. "Harry look at me." It was Mrs. Weasley then. He felt her gentle and cool fingers on his hot face and he lifted his head in shame to meet her gaze. She had tears in her eyes and she looked so guilty.

"Harry. Don't you ever be sorry for being scared. They did that to you. It's not your fault. Any of it. And if your not comfortable with something that any of do, then tell us. I don't want to see you get scared like that. It hurts me too. You hear me?" She was searching his face for something. He nodded and then looked down again.

"I don't know what happened. I was fine and relaxed one second, and then there were more hands and I just started to remember things from when I was _there_. And I just freaked out." He looked up at her and she looked so sad. Usually he hated people pitying him but for some reason he could tell that she was just sad because of what they did to him. It made him feel loved and comforted.

" I'm sorry mate. I didn't know you'd react like that. I didn't mean to scare you or anything." Ron said then looking guilty. Harry just shook his head and said,

"No its okay. It wasn't your fault." Ron just shook his head, but he still looked upset with himself.

For some reason, Harry was wishing to be left alone. He wanted the company, but he couldn't stand them all looking at him anymore. He was feeling suddenly very vulnerable sitting in front of them with his shirt off and all his scars on display. Mrs. Weasley seemed to understand because she soon ushered out Ron and Hermione. She gave him a kiss on the forehead, and then he was alone.

This was the first time he had been left alone since he had gotten back. It was slightly unnerving. He was almost scared that a death eater would be making their way to the room. Maybe getting home was just some dream and he would wake up now to Malfoy standing next to him about to have some 'fun'. But a part of him knew this was real. He really was home. Remus really was dead. Sirius really was dead. And all the torture and….other things…..were real. Letting his mind drift off to these thoughts made him start to shake. He lay down on his side and curled into a ball pulling the covers over himself in an attempt to make himself feel safe. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in order to calm himself. He had definitely seen better days.


	9. Reactions and Revelations

Reactions and Revelations

The next day Madam Pomfrey came back again to check on Harry. She checked him over again and gave him two more potions. He was beginning to thinkall potions were meant to taste bad. The first one was for his fever that was being very persistent. He was used to taking that potion though so it wasn't as bad. But the second for healing his broken and shattered bones made him nearly spew everything back up again.

"Harry can I talk to you privately for a moment please?" Poppy asked after she handed him a glass of water to rid the taste out of his mouth. She gave Mrs. Weasley, Ron, and Hermione pointed looks when they looked reluctant to move. They looked irritated but soon they were filing out of the room. Once the door clicked shut he stared at her questioningly.

"Harry I talked to Severus Snape this morning and he notified me of some possible other injuries you might have sustained. And I figured you would rather the others not find out right away. I will simply give you a potion and that will be the end of it until you are ready to talk to someone."

"Ummm….. Madam? What is the potion for exactly?" he was sure he knew what she was talking about, but he didn't want to believe she knew. Or that Snape knew.

"It is not true that more than one death eater…..violated…..you?" he instantly flinched at the words. They sounded so much worse out loud then in his head. It made it sound as if really was broken. She saw this reaction and her face immediately softened.

"Look, I've dealt with this sort of thing before with other patients during the first war. It's difficult to some to terms with. It'll take you a while to come back to your old habits and mentality. But what will help more then anything is to talk to one of your friends. Maybe not right now, but in the near future hopefully." His face was red and his breath laboured. His whole body shook at the thought of what they did to him.

"Potter please tell me you'll open up soon?"

He looked down at his hands and nodded his head slightly.

" Good. Well then for now take this potion for the…physical after effects. Would you like me to send your friends back in?" She asked while gathering up all of her supplies. He nodded again and shot back the potion quickly. But ironically this poition tasted like fruit and cinnamon. 'Apparently all potions taste bad afterall'. But this wasn't one he hoped he'd never need again.

She left the room and a minute later Ron and Hermione walked in and took their normal seats on either side of him bed.

"Where's your mum gone?" he asked Ron, slightly disappointed that she hadn't come back in.

"Oh Madam Pomfrey is telling her how to change your bandages and when to give you potions and stuff." Harry nodded and then Hermione, eager to know what happened when they left, asked,

"So what did Madam Pomfrey have to talk to you about?"

He knew they were going to ask but it didn't make him any less irritated.

"Nothing. Just letting me know how I was healing up. That's all." His tone was annoyed.

"But why couldn't she just say that in front of us? Why make us leave?" she just never knew when to back off and leave it alone.

"I don't know Hermione. She just couldn't okay?" he snapped sharply. She looked like she was going to argue again but Ron cut her off.

"Merlin Hermione, give it a rest will you? It was obviously private so just butt out okay? Harry gave Ron a gratefully glance and then he blocked out the rest of their bickering conversation. He started letting his mind wander which was a bad idea. Soon he was back to thinking about Sirius and Remus. He thought about Dudley and the torture he went through. How did Snape even find out about what they did to him? 'They probably bragged about it when they became conscious again'. What if he tried to use it against him. Would he bring it up during classes? Surely he wouldn't risk getting in trouble with Dumbledore would he? Merlin he hoped not. He felt embarrassed, violated, and broken. If it got out what had happened…he shuddered when he thought of what his friends would think. They would think he was disgusting and vile. He bet Sirius and Remus were turning in their graves. He meant it figuratively however. Sirius's body was yet to be uncovered from the veil and Remus was not yet buried. The thought of them being disappointed made his eyes swell and an uncomfortable burning to start in the back of his throat. But he had cried to much already. He had embarrassed himself in front of Ron already, and he wasn't about to do it again. He had to think about something else fast before they noticed….

"Harry? You okay mate?" he heard the voice from a far distance it seemed. He didn't answer though.

"Harry." It was Hermione this time. The voice came clearer this time.

"Huh?" he finally looked up and looked into the concerned faces of his two best friends. They gave each other knowing looks before Ron started speaking tentatively.

"Are you okay? You looked like….you were going to…cry…or something…" He was slightly uncomfortable with the words it seemed.

Harry looked down at his hands avoiding their never ending gazes.

"I'm fine. Sorry. Just let my mind wander to far I guess." His voice was soft but not shaky like it would be.

"It's okay to let yourself feel Harry. Its all part of the process." 'of course' he thought.

"The process Hermione?" he was getting angry now. "And you would know all about the process now would you? What would you understand about it? Not all things can be explained in a book Hermione. Have you ever had all of your parental figures ripped away from you? Do you know the emptiness in your heart that it leaves you with? Ever watched a friend die in front of your eyes? Do you know the endless nightmares that you get from that? Did you ever have to drag your cousins dead body down a hallway just so he wouldn't be torn to shreds by deatheaters? Have you ever been captured by death eaters, starved, tortured and ridiculed for weeks? HUH HERMIONE? DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS? Do you know what its like to wish you were dead just so it would be over?" She had tears pouring down her face and Ron simply looked outraged. Yet if he was mad at Harry for yelling at Hermione or at the death eaters, Harry couldn't tell. Perhaps it was both.

"Have you ever been controlled and possessed by the man who killed your parents? I wanted to die in there Hermione! It hurt so bad I actually wanted to die. And coming back here to find out that the last person I really had who could take care of me is dead! He was murdered by someone who was supposed to be his best friend. And now you're telling me that I'm dealing with it exactly how the 'BOOK' says I should?" his shoulders slumped and he layed back down on the pillows behind his back. He was breathing raggedly after his rant and his breathes were painful. He looked over to where his friends now were standing and then suddenly felt very guilty. Hermione still had tears falling down her face and Ron was staring blankly at the wall above Harry's head blankly. He didn't know what was happening to him. Why was he suddenly so angry at them? Sure he had been through a lot, but he wasn't really mad at them was he? He couldn't have a repeat of last year. He couldn't push them away like he did before.

"I'm sorry." He whispered, voice scratchy from yelling, "I'm sorry Hermione I didn't mean it. I don't know what's wrong with me." He sat back up and felt tears starting in his eyes again. ' Bloody hell not again'. she looked at him through her own tears and then got a stern look on her face.

"Don't be sorry. Of course your mad and upset. Anyone who's been through what you have would be mad. I just worry about you. That's all." She leaned over and took him into her arms. Feeling a female around him made him feel a lot safer, so he let himself sag against her. Before he knew it, the shirt underneath his face was becoming damp and he was shaking again. the hands rubbing his back were soothing and calming, but when rougher hands added to the mix, he froze completely. The hands were bigger and stronger. More masculine. Immediately his mind was back in the cell. Male hands were rubbing, pulling, stabbing, choking, _undressing_ him and he could do nothing else but let the panic take control.

He jumped out of Hermione's arms and scooted to the end of the bed in a tight ball. He was shaking harder now and letting out occasional whimpers of fear. Everything went silent and Ron and Hermione, shocked, just watched, unsure of what to do. Ron broke the silence first,

"Harry?" Harry let out a half gasp, half sob, "Harry come on. What is it? It's just me and Hermione. You're okay. You're safe."

Slowly Harry came back to the room and felt instantly ashamed. It was only Ron and now he'd feel bad about making Harry freak out. He continued shaking but lifted his head to look at Ron. In his panic he hadn't even noticed hitting Ron. But as it was, there was now a large black bruise forming on the side of Ron's jaw.

He felt so ashamed that he couldn't even control him emotions. He couldn't react normally to his friends trying to comfort him.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. I felt your hands and freaked out Ron. M'sorry." His head lowered and tears dripped fast down his face and onto his knees.

Ron slowly walked over and put his hands up in a mock surrender position when Harry eyes him wearily.

"It's only me. I'm not going to hurt you I promise." He looked over at Hermione who looked completely frozen.

"Hermione? Can you give us a sec?" she nodded and then hurried out of the room.

"There see? It's just you and me. It's alright." Harry let out a sigh that turned into a sob and then put his face into his knees again. Ron hesitated for a moment when he saw Harry freeze, but he continues forward anyways grabbing Harry's head and lifting it to meet his eyes.

"Hey it's okay. It's not your fault. I'll never hurt you okay?" Harry nodded shortly and then rested forward on Ron's shoulder. Ron slowly brought his arms up and wrapped them protectively around his shoulders and back. There were no tears soaking through his shirt, but he felt Harry trembling and that was worse. He was terrified of Ron. He would rather have had Harry sobbing all over him once again then be terrified of him. Those death eaters messed up his head. Ron didn't know what they did to make him so terrified of being touched. Surely they only used their wands right? They wouldn't resort to using muggle methods would they? But then why was he only reacting this way to Ron? Hermione had hugged him too and it didn't gain this kind of reaction. It wasn't until Ron had touched him that he freaked.

"Harry?" The only response he get was a muffled grunt, as his head was still buried in Ron's shoulder.

"Why did I scare you? You didn't get scared when Hermione touched you. Did I do something wrong?" there was a pause were neither of them said anything, but he felt Harry tense up even more.

"What did they do to you mate?" again Harry flinched but still kept his silence.

" Please Harry. I just want to help you. Earlier this summer you weren't talking to anyone but me. You can still trust me with whatever it is. I won't thin any differently of you. I promise." The more Harry thought about it, the more he knew he could tell Ron. He had been through everything with Ron by his side and he had never judged him. He could tell Ron. He trusted Ron. He took a deep shuddering breath and simply said,

"Everything." Ron was confused.

"Huh? What do you mean?" Harry sighed and lifted his head to meet Ron's eyes with his own. Harry's eyes were filled with desperation and pain and Ron was shocked.

"What did they do to you?" he nearly whispered this time.

"They did everything to me Ron. They… they…" he faltered. Maybe he couldn't do this.

"But they only used their wands right?" Harry shook his head slightly still making eyes contact. His eyes were pleading with Ron to understand so that he wouldn't have to go into anymore detail.

"They got physical too….. in more ways then one….." he said the last part so quietly almost as if he didn't really want Ron to hear it after all. Ron looked thoughtful for a moment before Harry could see the understanding and horror dawning in his eyes.

"You…. You mean to tell me… no they didn't. they wouldn't. Harry please tell me they didn't do that to you?" he was pleading for Harry's sake that it wasn't true. Torturing him was bad enough… but to do _that_ to him? They couldn't have…..


	10. The Trouble With Sleeping

The Trouble With Sleeping

Harry kept his eyes down so Ron see nothing of his eyes but the fine black eyelashes that were brushing his cheeks. For admitting something so foul, he seemed really quite calm. That was until he started shaking again. His face was pale and his hands were shaking violently as he wrung them together in his lap.

"It was the reason that you guys were able to find me. It was why I did accidental magic..." Ron looked confused so he sighed and continued,

"When they were...you know... I tried to fight back. I was so scared and I guess my magic was trying to protect me or something. So when they,...when they... when it got to the end...my magic just sort of exploded and it threw them against the wall. They were knocked out cold. After that, the next thing I really remember is your dad." Ron was quiet for a moment until one of Harry's choice words caught his attention.

"Why did you say 'them' Harry? It only happened once right?"

"Yes."

"Well then-"

"Malfoy, Greybeck, Crabbe, and Macnair. It happened at one time but they took turns..." he couldn't finish. He couldn't talk about this anymore.

"Ron I don't want to talk about this. Please. Not now. Not so soon. I'm sorry... I just

can't."

"Okay. No that's fine. When you're ready."

Harry was letting his mind wander now. All he could think about were the feelings of those hands roaming over his body. Holding him down. Taking things from made his skin crawl and made him feel restless. Without even realizing it, he was rubbing his arms to try and stop the feeling but it did little to help. He was really just so tired.

"I think I'm just gonna try and get some sleep."

"Oh, okay. I'll tell mum not to bother you then. Try and get some rest mate." He stood and started walking to the door. When he was just going through a small voice stopped him.

"Ron?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you..for you know...staying..." he looked awkward but his eyes held sincerity in them.

"No problem mate. Anytime." He turned and walked out the door, shutting it quietly behind him.

Harry watched as Ron closed the door and then sighed deeply. He was so tired. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. All he wanted to do was sleep for days and days on end, never to be disturbed by anyone ever again. He was embarrassed. No humiliated, that he couldn't even get a pat on the back from Ron without panicking.

He rolled over onto his side and closed his eyes. Maybe the nightmares would ease up this once. But of course, even that simplest wish wasn't granted.

The ground beneath his back was chilling him and the dirt was stinging his wounds. His chest was bleeding heavily from the lightening bolt shaped cut deep in his skin. Bruises were littered down his torso. His head pounded and he couldn't take in a deep breathe without falling into a coughing fit. He panicked when he saw that he was back in his cell. And he wasn't alone. From the shadowy corner of his cell a tall figure in black dress robes and long blond hair came forward. When his face was revealed, Harry gasped in pure terror. It was Lucius Malfoy. Immediately, he tried to stand and scoot away but was only successful in hurting his broken wrist and ribs even more.

"They're dead Harry. Your mutts of godfathers and pig of a cousin are dead because of your foolishness. You were too weak. You could have saved them but you didn't. You let them be murdered. And I cant't tell you how attracted I am to your guilt. Perhaps we shall have some fun now yeah?" He undid the top buttons of his robes and slid them down his shoulders and kneeled down next to Harry.

"Such a pretty little boy you are." He blew on Harry's chest, working his way down until he was level with his trousers and then came back up. A malicious smile worked its way across Lucius's face and he pulled out from his pocket, a knife. He brought it down and traced the lightening bolt cut on his chest, making the incision deeper. Then to Harry's horror, out of nowhere, Malfoy went down and started licking the blood from his chest. He tried to fight back but was being pinned down by some unseen force. He kicked and punched and screamed for him to stop until his throat was raw with the effort. God he was crying now. Tears spilling down his red face at the terror, anger, humiliation, and pain of it all. Terrified little whimpers were leaving his mouth at odd intervals. It just wouldn't stop. Until he suddenly felt someone or something pulling him up. He was brought up into something cushioned and warm and he felt safe again. Still scared, but safe.

He gasped and opened his eyes. He was pressed up against someone warm and when he looked p he saw the face of Mrs. Weasley swimming against his blurred vision. She didn't say a thing and just smiled sadly at him and continued rocking him soothingly. The feeling of being touched and licked was still fresh in his mind. It was so real and he couldn't shake the feeling that if he looked in the corner, he'd surely see Lucius Malfoy standing there waiting for Mrs. Weasley to leave. At that thought he buried his face even more deeply into her robes and simply breathed. He basked in the warmth and comfort she was radiating onto him. Soon his breathing had calmed and he pulled back in shame.

"I'm sorry. I hope I didn't interrupt anything downstairs. It was just a nightmare. You can go back if you want to." Molly looked down at him sadly and said,

"I'll go, but Poppy said if your careful and let someone help you, you can come downstairs. Would you like to try? I could send Ron up?" he nodded his head eagerly. Anything to get him out of this room.

"Okay. Wait here. I'll send Ron up." He only waited for a moment though. Apparently he had been waiting in the hallway.

"Hey mate. You okay? I tried to come up when we heard you scream, but mum wouldn't let me."

"Did everyone hear?" he asked worriedly.

"Pretty much. We were just in the kitchen. What happened?"

"I don't know. One second I was awake, the next I was dreaming of Malfoy again." he admitted.

"Was it about...you know... that?" he asked hesitantly.

"It was everything that happened rolled into one." He paused for a second and then shook his head to clear it. "Nevermind. I'm fine. Let's just go downstairs alright?" he asked hopfully. Ron looked unsure for a moment but soon obliged.

It wasn't as hard helping Harry to walk this time. He had gained a little of his strength back and wansn't such a deadweight anymore. It did take them a minute to figure out a system to get down the stairs, and when they made it down to the living room, Harry nearly collapsed with exhaustion. He had a sheen of sweat on his face and he was breathing heavily as Ron lowered him down onto the couch.

"You okay?" Ron asked in concern as Harry's face scrunched up in pain.

"I will be soon enough. They did a right number they did." His chest was tingling and he had to fight the urge to start coughing, but one ended up sipping out anyway. Once one came, a whole fit of them burst forward. When it wouldn't stop, Ron left to go grab a glass of water.

'I may actually cough up a lung.' he thought to himself with little humor. Ron hurried back out with a glass and his mum following worriedly behind him. He sat down next to Harry on the couch, held up the glass and tilted it back slightly.

"Drink." he commanded and Harry listened instantly. His freshly fixed ribs were starting to burn now, and he drank wildly. When finally his cough was settled, he lay down gently on the couch, exhausted.

"Are you alright dear? The trip down here wasn't too much for you was it?" Mrs. Weasley asked in a loving voice.

"No I'm fine Mrs. Weasley. Really. Just had a tickle in my throat is all." When Ron started to protest about how he had been in pain on the way down, Harry gave him a sharp glance and he shut up immediately. He didn't want to be confined up there anymore.

As everyone was filing their way into the sitting room, he was content to simply lay there and listen to their conversations. But as he listened to everyone's quiet voices, he started dropping into sleep. This time it was undisturbed.


	11. Funerals

Funerals

He stared blankly at his reflection in the mirror. His bruises and cuts on his face were fading, leaving a faint trace of yellow in there wake. His hair was attempting to lie flat and he was clad in his nicest pair of black robes. Any other day he would have been proud to say he looked handsome. But today he was sickened. It was the day of Remus's and Sirius's joint memorial service. Although the body of Sirius wasn't recovered, they had his wand, so they decided to bury it next to Remus.

He thought about simply blowing the funeral off, blaming his health, but although he was still weak and could not walk distances without assistance, he was seen to be fit to go by Madam Pomfrey as long as he didn't overdo himself. He wasn't ready to do this. Not so soon after...everything.

As he looked at himself in the mirror with his sunken eyes, he hated himself. Why was he standing there alive as proof of what they had lost. It wasn't fair. Everything was wrong. He heard the door creak open and saw in the mirror behind him, Ron making his way into the room. They stared at each other through the mirror not needing words to communicate the reasoning behind the silence. Ron broke it first when he walked over and turned Harry's body to face him.

"Let me do your tie okay?" Harry simply nodded, his face still devoid of any emotion.

"I never learned how. Never had a reason. Never had someone to teach me..." his voice sounded monotone and detached. Ron looked at him worriedly and then started on the tie.

"I'm sure my dad would teach you." he said, hopeful it would raise his spirits. Harry just shook his head and said,

"No that's okay. It's not his job." he finished tying the tie and sighed, looking up at Harry again. Harry knew it was time to go and his breathing quickened and his head pounded. He really wasn't ready for this. Ron seemed to have heard his inner thoughts.

"You can do this." he said encouragingly, "I'll stay with you the whole time okay?" Harry took in a deep breath and nodded. Ron put an arm around his back for support, physically as much as mentally, and led the way downstairs to the kitchen where they would be flooed to Godric's Hollow Cemetery. The place had sounded so familiar to him though he couldn't place why. For some reason going to this place seemed to comfort him and in a way...scared. There was a strange fear in going to this place that he didn't think had to do with the funeral.

"Are we all ready?" Mad-Eye asked. They all nodded and by pairs, they flooed to the graveyard. When he landed out of the fireplace, he looked up to find himself in a church. It was huge with a cathedral ceiling and about forty rows of benches. It all felt so strangely familiar but he still couldn't tell why. They made their way outside and turned the corner to find a kissing gate as the entrance to the graveyard. There were tombstones so old they simply looked like old rocks. Only the very faded letters gave it away as the resting place of the dead. Their destination was the very back of the site. As they neared closer to the back, his courage started to fade and he fell behind, breath hitching. He felt cold and scared. Ron noticed his absence and fell behind too. They stopped walking and Ron tried getting his attention.

"Harry? You okay?" He shook his head.

"C'mon. I'll stay with you. You can lean on me." his voice was soft and convincing and soon they were making their way to the small crowd standing around two newly carved headstones. They looked so out of place. As if they din't even belong. They were perfectly shaped and cleaned having not been withered away by weather and time. There were five or six other stones surrounding them and they seemed so much older.

They gathered into a tight group and Dumbledore began speaking softly. Harry didn't care nor listen. He was too busy studying the tombs. The first one was Sirius's. It had his named etched into it along with his birthday and death date. Underneath it were the words, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good". Remus's was right next to it and his looked the same except under his name it had the words "Mischief managed.". He was trying to look anywhere but those painful sights. As he was finding something to distract himself, his eyes landed on the two stones directly next to Remus's and Sirius's. They were placed directly next to each other. One said Lily Potter, and the other, James Potter. He couldn't even read what was written underneath that, as his vision tunneled. That was why this place was so familiar. Godric's Hollow was where he had lived. Where his parents had died for him. Where Voldemort was 'destroyed'. All his feelings of trepidation and worry were immediately explained.

He hadn't been aware of making any noises o movements, but suddenly he felt Ron shift beside him and a few people turn to look at him.

"Harry? What's wrong?" Ron whispered, "You're not breathing right. Are you feeling ill again?" Harry didn't respond. He simply kept on staring at the four names placed in front of him. He never thought about seeing his parents' graves. He especially didn't think he'd see them for the first time with Remus's and Sirius's names beside them. It was too much.

Emotions he had never felt before this strong were building inside him and he couldn't stop them. They should have told him what this place was. This was where his hell started. He was angry. No furious. He was shocked, sad, terrified, grieving, numb, and humiliated all at one time and the feelings wouldn't go away. They were bubbling so fast, he couldn't even control himself when his throat let out a rasping cry of,

"No!" he tore away from Ron's steadying arm and stumbled backwards. Everyone was staring openly at him now.

"Harry what the-" Ron started but Harry yelled over him.

"No! I can't do this!" He spun around and ran out of the graveyard not knowing or caring where he was going.

"Mum I'll follow him. I promise we'll be safe." He didn't even wait for a reply. He just sprinted in the direction he saw Harry go. There were a few people out in shops and walking the streets, but he was able to run by without many obstacles. He was about to turn around though until he heard from a secluded section of the neighborhood, muffled hiccups and hitching breaths.

"Harry?" there was no answer, "Harry are you there?" he sighed in relief when he saw Harry leaning against a gate and trying to catch his breath. But when he got closer to view the house that they were standing in front of, he realized Harry wasn't just leaning out of fatigue. He was clutching the gate to hold up his shaking knees. And he wasn't just out of breath. He was trying in vain to keep himself from sobbing. When he got even closer, he heard Harry whispering something under his breath. He strained his ears to hear it.

"No. Not this house. It can't be. Nooooo..." he ended with a groan. Ron was confused so he looked up at the house. It was a small and very overgrown cottage. It looked like it used to be nice, but hadn't been kept up at all. There was a dark aura around it though. Something made it feel dark and eerie. His eyes traveled up and the top left corner of the house was blown to bits. There was a hole in the ceiling and inside he could see a small crib, a chair, and some other remnants of what used to be furniture. He was confused for a moment as to why this house would upset Harry so much. Then he remembered where they were. They were in Godric's Hollow. THE Godric's Hollow. The same place that was named in every history book on dark magic. The same place where You-Know-Who himself was said to have been destroyed forever. This was where everything that Harry had been through started.

"Harry." His voice sounded sad. Harry's eyes were tightly closed, knuckles white, legs shaking, and breathing sharp and uneven. There was something about his silence that was worrying to Ron. He was preventing himself from making any noise. But it became to much apparently. All at once his legs buckled, tears started streaming, and a scream, so full of grief and despair, tore out of his throat. Ron winced and then dropped down next to him. Harry's hands were still clutching onto the gate desperately, but Ron still managed to force him away and took Harry's hands into his own. When his scream ended, he was left with no more fight in him. He simply sat there facing Ron, clutching his hands. He had a steady stream of tears falling, and he was shaking his head as if in denial of what was happening. Tiny whimpers were leaving his mouth. He was trying to talk, to form words, but he couldn't get anything out but moans. Why couldn't he bloody get a hold on himself?

Ron did his best to help him. He sat there facing Harry, holding hands tight and leaned forward so that his forehead was resting against the top of Harry's head.

"Shh. It's alright. I promise. It's over." Harry's breathing was returning to normal once again and he was able to manage five short words.

"Get me out of here." He was turning his head to the side so he wouldn't look at the house again.

"Okay. C'mon." Ron stood and helped Harry to his feet. He swayed dangerously. All the running and crying had made him feel faint. Ron put an arm behind his back, and together they made their way back to the church. It took them a few minutes, but they finally managed to get to the front doors. Mrs. Weasley nearly burst into tears when she saw him, but a stern glare from Ron made her stop.

"Harry dear, are you okay?", he nodded, "Would you like to back to the graves by yourself before we go?" he shook his head, "Okay... well then lets be getting home." They went through the fire and landed back in Grimmauld Place.

hphphphphphphph

The rest of the day was a quiet affair. Harry was shoved back into a bed by Madam Pomfrey and Mrs. Weasley after nearly collapsing of fatigue when landing out of the floo. If Fred hadn't been standing right next to him, he would have. Madam Pomfrey had simply taken one look at him and said, "Bed. Now." He hadn't even tried to argue. He was too tired. Emotionally and physically. He was trudging his way up and was starting to get tired, but he felt a hand on his back holding him steady. He jumped a bit at the contact and looked back to see Ron standing on the step below him.

"Go on. Don't want you falling now do we?"

He continued up and then when he finally made it to his room, he collapsed on the bed exhausted. He was breathing hard as he sat on the edge with his head in his hands, elbows on his knees. Nothing was said between the two. Ron simply stood there and waited. Finally Harry spoke up,

"Ron you don't have to stay. I'm okay. Really."

"Like hell you are." Ron replied a bit more sharply than he intended, "Harry you just had some kind of bloody mental breakdown or something back there. Some crazy things have happened to you recently, and you just saw your parents graves for the first time. Not to mention seeing your old house blown to bits from that night. There is no possible thing you can say to me to convince me that you're okay." he finished his rant with a sigh when Harry didn't even so much as look up. He seemed to be taking calming breaths. Ron sat down next to him and tried to pry his hands away from his face. When he finally succeeded, he wasn't surprised to find dead looking eyes streaked with tears.

"Harry please talk to me. I want to help you. What can I do?" He was begging now.

"Nothing." was the short, quiet answer.

"Huh?"

"Ron you have no idea what it's like. I don't want you to know what it's like. But you can't help me. No one can help me anymore."

"Merlin Harry, here you go again. Why are you so against letting people help you?"

"Talking never solves anything. It won't take back what they did to me."

"No, but it'll take your load off of your shoulders for a while."

"That's something I'm not willing to share."

"Damn it Harry!" Harry flinched, "Why can't you see that we only try to help you? We love you and we don't want to see you hurt. Do you not really love us?"

"Ron stop. Stop yelling please." his voice was soft and Ron didn't hear it over his yelling.

"You were kidnapped, beaten, tortured, raped , and then your guardians died-"

"Shut up Ron!" when Ron finally broke out of his rant, he looked down and noticed he was standing up and he had his hands on Harry's shoulders. Harry's eyes looked terrified. His face was pale, he was shaking like a leaf, and breathing erratically.

"Get your hands off me! Please! Get away from me!" Ron was stunned. He didn't mean to yell, and now Harry was falling into some kind of panic attack.

"Harry I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Please Harry calm down. It's just me. It's Ron. You're okay." he kneeled in front of his black haired friends' shaking form. Harry's head was down so Ron got lower and looked up into his face. Harry's eyes opened and the panicked look in his eyes made Ron shudder in revulsion of what he had done.

"Harry I didn't mean to scare you. I'm just frustrated. I don't know how to help you and I can't watch you suffer alone anymore." Harry wrapped his arms around his torso making no indication that he had heard what Ron had just said. He couldn't seem to calm himself down. His breathing was still abnormal, he was pale as a ghost, and he was still shaking, avoiding Ron's eyes. He was going to bloody start hyperventilating if he kept this up. Ron sighed and got up and sat down next to Harry again. He immediately flinched and tried to get up, but Ron was too fast. He gathered Harry up in his arms and pulled his close.

He stiffened at the contact, but soon relaxed. He had finally found a way to calm Harry down. Harry dug his head into Ron's shirt and breathed. Ron smelled like home. He smelled like the Burrow. It made him feel safe, as if nothing had happened, or could happen again. For a moment, he could be normal. As long as he had Ron.

"Why do you still care so much? After what they did to me? I'm disgusting." he mumbled, head still buried into Ron's shirt.

"What? Harry-" Ron was at a loss of words, "Your my best mate. You. Are. Not. Disgusting. Harry. Potter. You hear me? What they did to you was, but you aren't." There was still a cloud of doubt in Harry's mind, but for now, in Ron's arms, he could at least pretend to believe it.

** AN: So I guess this may turn into a bit of slash after all? Idk...what do you guys think? It can go either way. You decide. I like it either way.**


	12. Learning To Cope

Learning to Cope

Things around Headquarters were quiet a week after the funeral. Harry was allowed off of bed rest as long as he had a minder whenever he went somewhere. Everyone who resided around the house had learned not to mention anything about Sirius, Remus, or death eaters when Harry was around. He was getting a bit better, but whenever someone would mention anything without any warning before, his mind would wander and get lost in his thoughts.

Everyone believed that he was getting better. Maybe they were right physically, but inside, his mind was still reeling. Ron seemed to pick up on this however. He was the one who offered to stay with him all the time. He had trained his eyes to notice the small mood changes. He could sense when Harry let his mind go back to his cell. It was these times when he would try to get Harry to talk. But, try as he may, he couldn't succeed. It was as if the funeral was his undoing. Ever since that night, he refused to talk about anything about his kidnap or godfathers.

He didn't want to be like Hermione and simply push until he got Harry on an angry rampage, but he was worried. He knew that Harry bottled everything up. It wasn't healthy, and he wasn't dealing, but he knew if he waited, Harry would come to him eventually.

So for now he went with what Harry did. If Harry wanted to sleep, Ron would let him sleep. If Harry wanted to play chess and talk about nothings, then Ron would let him. If Harry wanted to pretend that everything was okay, then Ron would follow suit. Harry didn't bring anything up, so neither did Ron. Sometimes though, even if he didn't talk, Harry still showed signs of hurt. Like the first time he had taken a real bath.

Pomfrey had said to use cleansing charms on him until he had healed most of the way, but had now given him permission to actually bathe. Cleansing charms worked okay, but it didn't compare to a real bath. So Mrs. Weasley had gone upstairs to draw him a both immediately.

"The water's ready Harry. Someone will still have to come and check on you every once and a while okay? Ron already volunteered." He nodded his head and then eagerly went into the bathroom and stripped. There were even bubbles in the water. He sighed as he sunk himself in the warm water. His cuts stung a bit, but his joints that had been aching felt at ease. It was the best he had felt in a long time. Until he started washing that is. When he brought his arms and legs up to be washed, the faint yellow reminants of bruises were still there. They had been covered until now and he had not looked when his bandages had been changed. He was seeing the evidence of his own rape and torture for the first time.

A sudden urge of desperation to get clean overwhelmed him in that moment. He seized the rough wash rag and lathered it with soap. And he scrubbed. He scrubbed as hard as he could and still it wasn't enough. He scrubbed his legs, feet, stomach, arms, face, hair, hands, and other "intimate" areas, until the etire of his body was raw and burning. His skin stung in the now lukewarm water, but he still felt fowl. He didn't even know how long e had been in there, but the water was turning cold.

"Hey mate, you've been in there for a while. You okay?" no answer. "I'm coming in okay?" and that he did. He came through the door to the sight of Harry scrubbing his neck again.

"Harry stop! You're raw! Stop!" He ran over to the tub and wrestled the rag out of

Harry's hands.

"Stop Ron! Give it back!" his voice was scratchy from not being used and screaming at night when he slept.

"I'm dirty Ron! I need to get clean! I can still feel them on me! I can still smell them on me! Let me go Ron!" He was practically screaming by the time he was done. He was furious. Didn't Ron understand? It still felt and smelled like they were on him. He could feel their hands on him holding him down. No. Those were Ron's hands right?

"Harry come on. Just stop fighting." Harry sighed in relief. They were Ron's.

"Get off me." His fight left for a second in pure relief. But just for a second before it came back with a vengance. "Get off of me!" he was scared, confused, and...angry? Why was he angry? Ron hadn't done anything really. So why was he suddenly furious at him?

"I'm sorry mate. I just didn't want you to hurt yourself." Ron said sounding a bit hurt.

"I don't need a bloody minder all the time! Bloody hell! It's like I haven't gotten anytime alone in days!" he was yelling ad his voice was protesting.

"Pomfrey told me too! It's not my fault!"

"I can't even take a bloody bath without someone standing there watching!"

"Why are you getting so mad at me? I was only trying to stop you from hurting yourself." Ron's voice was quiet now. He sounded hurt and Harry noticed.

It was then that he noticed how sore his skin was. There were parts that were bleeding from some of the wounds that hadn't healed all the way yet.

"I'll just go and get you some clothes so you have a bit of privacy then." Ron stood and tured to leave.

"No Ron! I'm sorry!" but the door closed as he said it. He let out a frustrated sort of growl.

"Why can't this all just go away?" It was amazing to him how one moment he could be perfectly content, and then another, completely furious.

He sunk lower in the tub until his face was completely submerged. As he sighed, a mass of bubbles made their way to the surface. He knew Ron would be back any second now though so he took one last glorious, quiet moment and came back up gasping for breath. His timing was perfect it seemed as the next second, Ron was coming through the door again with fresh clothes in hand. He looked like he was trying to be so cautious about what he did, afraid to set off

Harry's temper again. He felt so guilty now.

"Ron... look I'm really sorry for snapping...no yelling... I don't know what came over me. I was fine one second and so bloody angry the next. It's like i couldn't control it. I- I'm sorry." his voice wavered a bit at the end and he looked down at his knees that were drawn up to his chest.

Ron sighed and turned around to look at Harry.

"You don't need to be sorry mate. I do. I shouldn't have grabbed you like that. Not after...you know... anyways. I'm sorry, i didn't mean to scare you or anything." Harry nodded but kept his gaze down still. "Harry look at me for a sec." he forced himself to look into Ron's eyes. "Look i know you're gonna be mad and sad and scared and other things I'm sure i don't even realize...and sometimes you won't even know why. But it'll get better, I promise. This isn't forever okay?" Harry nodded." Okay let's get you out of this tub before you prune to death you git." He gave a light hearted chuckle and ruffled Harry's dripping hair.

"Oi! Watch it ginger!" he said in mock-indignation.

Ron handed him a towel and then turned for a second to let Harry stand and situate it firmly over his hips. Getting Harry out of the tub was priven to be much harder than getting in. Eveytime he tried to get his weak legs over the side of the tub, the other would slip out from underneath in the water. Eventually Ron gave up and simply picked him all the way up and carried him out of the tub, much to Harry's embarrassment.

"Sorry mate. Had to be done." Harry's face went red but he nodded anyways.

Ron grabbed anther towel off the shelf and went about drying off Harry's upper half. When his hair was no longer dripping, Ron moved down to his arms. The second he rubbed the towel over his arms Harry let out a hiss.

"What is it?" concerned he had hurt him.

"Nothing... I just kinda rubbed myself raw remember?" he gave a sad smile and looked down at the towel that now had a small patch of red soaking into it.

"Bugger. Okay, I'm gonna go see if mum has anymore of your salve left and some bandages. Stay here."

"Yeah like I can really move around much without your assistance mate." Hary said jokingly.

"Good point. Okay, I'll be right back."

Once he had left, Harry lost the joking smile he put on for Ron. He was trying to be happy, but he wasn't really feeling it. He thought, maybe if he tried and faked it for a while, it would become real.

He looked down at his arms. They were stinging and had small beads of blood where the towel rubbed. It made him nervous the feelings he had. It was mixed. He felt worried and slightly scared, but in a way, relieved. The fact that he felt relieved and a little lighter made him feel even more scared. He saw the blood as cleansing. He had felt so dirty when he was scrubbing and the blood was his reward for scrubbing the dirty skin away.

He lowered his fingers to his skin and picked up a drop of blood. He ran it between his fingers with fascination. It was dark red and slightly thick. This blood was belonged to Voldemort. It wasn't his own anymore.

He heard foot steps coming and he quickly wiped the blood on his fingers on the towel. His heart was pounding and he felt really nervous that Ron might be able to read his previous thoughts.

"Got the salve and stuff." Ron said as he came through the door. When he looked up and saw Harry's face he started to look suspicious.

"You look kinda strange. Are you okay?" he asked concerned.

"Yeah I'm fine." his voice was a bit higher than normal and it cracked a bit. He cleared his throat and tried again. "I'm fine." Ron nodded. It seemed to calm him for now, but Harry knew he'd question him again later.

He kneeled down in front of Harry and set the supplies on the floor next to him.

"Sorry this might sting a little bit." he had an apologetic look on his face. The second the salve touched the raw, broken skin, Harry hissed and his face scrunched up.

"Sorry mate"

"S'okay" He said through gritted teeth.

Eventually the burning sting settled down to a dull pinching pain and he felt his muscles relax. Ron grabbed his arms and proceeded to re-wrap them back in the thick white guaze.

"Mum said you don't have to wear the bandages anymore in a few days." Harry nodded.

Truth be told, he didn't really want them to come off again. Seeing all the scars...the evidence. It made him feel sick. If he could keep them covered, he might be able to stop the feelings coursing through his veins when he looked at them. He could stop the feeling of wanting to scratch himself til he bled. But if the bandages came off, he didn't know how he'd react to seeing those memories etched on his skin 24 hours a day everyday.

Ron seemed to see the debate written over his face and he cursed himself for being so readable. But Ron only gave a concerned look before deciding against another fight.

"You should get dressed. Mum says dinners almost ready and she wants you there tonight. No exceptions."

Harry knew it wouldn't be of any use to argue so he simply nodded again. Dinner had been a quiet affair that night. Neither Ron nor Harry spoke. Everyone seemed to sense that something had passed between the two and no one else spoke up either. The tension in the room only got worse when Snape walked through the door.

"Oh hello there Severus. Won't you come nd sit and join us?" asked politely. He started to answer but was quickly cut off by Harry.

"What are you doing here?" his voice was sharp.

"Harry don't." Ron tried quietly.

"No! I don't want him in Sirius's house!"

"As much as I want to listen to your naive teenage remarks, I do believe it is not your Mutt's house anymore."

"Severus!" Mrs. Weasley looked affronted and everyone took weary glances in Harry's direction. He seemed to be speechless. The remark had hit a nerve and he felt his body go numb.

"If you'll pardon me Ma'am, I was simply ordered to drop off the boys potions as Madam Pomfrey is busy tonight. I'll just leave them and leave the boy to his moping. I do hope you can handle him." With that he turned and left without another word. The room was silent. No one had dared speak of Sirius or Remus at all around Harry. He was sitting staring straight through his plate, unblinkingly.

"Everyone, eat, before it gets cold." She said to the stunned crowd to try and break the tension. Harry didn't move. Ron turned to him nervously.

"Harry?" With a loud scrape, he was running upstairs. Ron meant to go after him but a hand on his shoulder stopped him short. He looked up to see his mum shaking her head.

"No Ron. Let him have some space for now." He nodded reluctantly and sat down heavily.

'Snape had no right to barge in here like he owned the place, like he had a right to speak of them.' Harry was pacing the floor of his and Ron's room. He was sure if he kept it up at this pace, he would burn through the floor. He had tried to avoid thinking about them at all costs. It was too painful. But now that seemed it was all he could think about. Ron had been able to drag him out of the dark place in his mind for a while, but he could feel it starting to fog his brain again. He felt like he was being drowned.

Suddenly he had an idea. He was scared and nervous the others would find out, but he would do anything to stop the feelings that were consuming his every being.

He ran to the bathroom and found what he was looking for. His shaving razor. As he looked at it, he felt a sense of fear and thrill. He quickly sat down and unwrapped his left arm. He brought the blade down and felt a sting. But soon he relaxed, letting a sigh of relief float free.


	13. Bad First Days

Chapt. 13

The rest of the summer had passed by in a blur. Every day seemed to mesh together. Nightmares, wake up, stay up until breakfast, go upstairs in the attic with Buckbeak, get found by Ron or Hermione and dragged back downstairs, play chess with Ron until lunch, go upstairs to Sirius's room and torture himself, go to the bathroom with his razor, play more chess until dinner, sleep, nightmares, and the routine would continue in a giant loop. There was nothing very significant about those last two or three weeks that separated the days.

It wasn't until September 1st that the routine was finally broken. Mrs. Weasley woke them up at the crack of dawn because they had put off packing until the very last minute. They had groggily made their way out of bed and begun gathering their things. Ron was making his way to the bathroom when he turned to ask,

"Hey Harry? Can I borrow your razor? I haven't had time to ask mum to buy me a new one yet." Harry froze before quickly replying,

"Uhhh… no. Sorry I lost it the other night. Kreacher probably stole it when he was cleaning." Luckily it was too early in the morning and Ron's tired mind didn't quite catch onto the panic in Harry's voice.

"Hmm…mkay. Hey maybe he'll just off himself with it yeah? We could do without him around." Harry's face went pale and he turned around pretending to be packing. In reality he was only trying to hide his shocked face. He was a bit angry that Ron would say something like that, but he knew it was only because Ron didn't know.

"S'okay. I'll just go ask dad for his." With that, he dragged himself out of the room. He let out a puff of breath that he didn't even know he had been holding. He turned around and sat heavily on his bed. 'Great' he thought, 'now I'm lying to him too'. It made him feel so guilty knowing that they were all just trying to help him, and all he could do was cut himself off, literally, from everything. Even now, the feelings were starting to bubble up inside of him and were consuming him. His breathing quickened as he quickly rummaged in his bad and pulled out his bathroom bag. He found his razor and hurried to the bathroom.

Once in. he made sure to lock the door behind him and he sat on the toilet. He pulled up his sleeve routinely and grabbed the razor tightly in his right hand. Without a second thought about it, he brought it down in one swift movement, leaving a long red line across his wrist. One was starting to not be enough he realized. So he brought it down twice more. When he watched the blood run down his arm in small droplets, it soothed him. He took a deep breath and relaxed his shoulders.

Just then something knocked him out of his daze. All of a sudden Ron was banging on the door loudly.

"Harry is that you in there? Come on! Hurry up! Gin's taking up the other bathroom and I really need to go!" He panicked as he grabbed the small washcloth off the rack and ran it under the water. He pressed it too his arm trying desperately to stop the bleeding. He looked for something to tie it in place and found one of Ginny's hair bands. Ron must have heard the clutter because next his voice sounded worried,

"Harry? Mate? You okay?" He rushed to clean up the blood that had dripped onto the floor.

"Uhhh… yeah I'm fine. Just dozed off a bit I guess." He didn't have time to be embarrassed by his comment. He pulled his sleeve down, put his razor in his pocket, and thanked Merlin he wore long sleeves to bed.

Taking a deep breath he opened the door. He looked sheepishly up at Ron's face. He looked worried, yet slightly amused.

"Didn't get much sleep last night mate? I know the loo is comfy and all but still…" he said it with a slight grin on his face. Harry breathed in relief that Ron had bought his excuse.

"Yeah. Just couldn't sleep last night."

"If you want I could talk to mum? I'm pretty sure she still has some dreamless sleep leftover from Madam Pomfrey."

"Uuhhh. No I'm fine." He felt a bit uncomfortable and to his horror, he could feel wetness seeping down his arm. "Uhh. Hey I gotta go finish packing. See you in a minute okay?" Ron was just opening his mouth again when Harry simply pushed by and sped to the room.

He closed the door and put the washcloth into the hamper. He had nicked a jar of healing balm that Pomfrey had left behind and quickly picked it up and unscrewed the cap. He could hear flushing down the hall and knew he'd only have a minute or so for Ron to finish. He was quick and messy but was able to slather on some of the balm. The bleeding stopped and the cuts scabbed over. He was just pulling his sleeve down as Ron came storming in the room muttering about girls and bathrooms.

Harry stood there silently packing the rest of his things. 'Too close. Way too close.' 'Never again.'

The train ride had been long. Luna, Neville, Ron, Hermione, and Harry all piled into on compartment. Ginny had gone off with Dean and Seamus. The whole ride, Neville and Luna talked about plants and how to prevent them from being eaten by nargles. Ron and Hermione bickered the whole time. He didn't even know what about. He simply tuned them out. Those three new cuts this morning had put him on edge again. Every few seconds he was tugging of his sleeve nervously too make sure the scabs were covered. He was starting to feel his emotions trying to surface again and he didn't want them too. But he couldn't do what he wanted to. He had promised himself he wouldn't. He'd just had two close calls within ten minutes of each other this morning and he wasn't about to test his luck anymore. So he settled for sleep. He closed his eyes and within minutes, he was asleep.

Strangely he slept peacefully. That hadn't happened since he was being healed and put on potions that knocked him out cold. It felt like had been asleep for about a couple of hours when he was being gently awakened by Ron.

"Hey mate wake up. We're almost there." He was gently shaking his shoulder. When Harry opened his eyes, he noticed he was lying down. They must have decided to give him some time to rest. His vision was blurry and he could only see one other person in the room. Ron handed him his glasses and he slipped them on.

"Where is everyone?" he asked, sitting up.

"Well Neville went with Seamus to go get dressed, and Hermione went with Ginny. Luna's off selling some Quibbler's I think. We have to get ready though. The trains almost to the station." Harry nodded and got up. Ron shut the blinds and locked the door.

"Sorry you didn't eat lunch. You weren't awake and you looked pretty wiped. We thought you would want to rest."

"S'okay. I'll eat at the feast." They were changing in silence and Harry was about to pull his shirt off when he remembered the scars.

"Uhh. Ron? I think my socks got into your trunk by mistake. Can you check real quick?

"Yeah sure." As soon as he turned around, he ripped his shirt off and got his other one on. He winced as it brushed against his skin.

"Nope. Not in here. Sorry. Maybe mum can send them to you later."

"No actually here they are." He said pulling a roll of black socks from his trunk.

The train was halting to a top. They grabbed their trunks and made their way to meet Hermione on the platform.

He purposely avoided looking at the thestrals. It reminded him too much of everything that he had lost.

"Sleep well Harry?" Hermione's voice broke through his thoughts.

"Hmm? Oh y-yeah. Fine." At least he was being truthful.

"You know, if you're not sleeping well, you could always go to Madam Pomfrey."

"No." he sighed, "I'm not going to her again. I've seen her enough this summer. It's just dreams okay? I've dealt with them before."

"Yeah but you shouldn't _have _to."

"I said no Hermione." She shut her mouth and he looked guilty.

"M'sorry Hermione." She nodded and looked away.

The rest of the carriage ride to the school was quiet. Harry felt relieved as he got his first glimpse of Hogwarts. He was safe. His friends were safe. There was no way Dumbledore would let Death Eaters get in here.

The opening feast ended uneventfully. The hat gave a morose warning to all the students to stay safe and choose the side of the light in these "horrid times bestowed upon us". When the hat had said that, many heads and pairs of eyes turned to Harry.

"Well at least they believe you now right? Hermione tried helpfully.

"Yeah cuz this is so much better. They're still talking and staring." Harry kept his eyes down while Ron tried to give others dirty looks to get them to stop.

He kept his eyes down and avoided their stares. He could sense their whispers, feel their eyes boring into the back of his head.

"Harry you need to eat something." Hermione pestered.

He wasn't in the slightest hungry, but he knew she would fight if he refused, so he put the minimum on his plate and slowly starting eating. It seemed to satisfy her for the time being so she smiled and turned to talk to Parvati.

All through dinner the stares and whispers never stopped. He could feel his anxiety starting to well up again in the pit of his stomach, but he knew he couldn't get the relief he wanted and so desperately craved. He had promised himself he wouldn't. But the feeling was becoming stronger, and harder to ignore. He knew that if he got up from the table, Ron would likely follow his, so that idea was out. Something had to be done.

He reached his left hand under the table and dug his nails into his leg. Through his pants, it was hard to feel, so he kept on digging in father. It was dull and little pain in comparison to his razor, but it did provide a small bit of relief. He let out a sigh and he felt some of the anxiety dissipate.

"You okay?" Ron asked quietly as not to draw attention from Hermione. Harry looked at his questioningly.

"Uhh. Yeah why?" Ron looked a bit concerned.

"You were shaking." Harry was surprised. He hadn't noticed.

"Ohh… well I'm fine. Guess I just got a little bit cold is all." Ron nodded, not looking too convinced.

When the feast was over, Harry was forced to walk alone to the dormitory as Ron and Hermione were showing the first years around.

"Hey Harry wait up!" Harry turned around and was Neville running through crowds of students to catch up with him. He stopped and waited.

"Hey Neville. What's up? He asked as he finally reached him.

"Nothing much, you looked like you could use someone to walk with." They started walking up flights of stairs. "Where are Ron and Hermione?"

"Showing first years around."

"Oh yeah, I forgot. Look, I never really got a chance to talk to you last year after the ministry. I'm really sorry. And I heard about this summer. I can't believe the death eaters could get through Dumbledore's wards." Harry stopped dead in his tracks.

"Wait. How'd you find out what happened? Did Ron or Hermione tell you?" people couldn't know.

"No. I read about it in the Daily Prophet. Didn't you see the articles?" they started walking again and Harry went pale.

"No." he said in a small voice. This couldn't be happening. Had that been why people were staring?

"I wasn't reading the profit. Not after last year." His voice was distant, "do you have any of the articles still?" his voice was shaking.

"Uhh. Yeah I think so. In my trunk I think. I'll give them to you if you want. No one told you about them this summer?" Neville asked a bit wearily.

"No. No they didn't." he felt angry, hurt, and embarrassed.

When they got to the dorm, they were the only two there. Neville rummaged around in his trunk until he found one article. He handed it to Harry with hesitation.

"You sure you want to read this? It's Skeeter's work." he looked nervous.

"Just give it to me. I'd like to know what people know about me." Neville handed it over.

"Well I told Seamus and Dean I'd play a game of exploding snap. Wanna come?" he tried hopefully/

"No. I think I'll just stay up here. But thanks anyways Neville." Neville nodded and eyed him wearily before turning out the door.

Harry sat heavily on his bed and flipped through the pages until he found the article. The headline read, "Boy-Who-Lives Captured by You-Know-Who! Magical World in Panic!'. He groaned and read on.

"_Two nights ago, Death Eaters made their first real attack. Aurors and Death Eaters fought on Number 4 Private Drive on Saturday when You-Know-Who's follwers were able to get past wards on the house made by Albus Dumpledore. I'm sure readers, like this this reporter, are shocked to know that the Great Wizards' wards could fail so easily. Who's to say Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is still safe then?_

_ After a close call just three weeks prior in the Department of Mysteries, Mr. Harry Potter was seen trying to protect his only remaining family. He was unsuccessful in his efforts though as it is reprted that his cousin was killed on the scene. It is believed that Potter himself may have also sustained possible brain damage. Eye witnesses say that when he was being brought out of the house by the Death Eaters, he was in a sort on a daze._

_ Aurors and friends are working frantically to try and rescue the boy, but no leads have been found as of yet. Please keep the hope alive that our Boy Savior will be safely returned to us once again. See picture below._

_-Rita Skeeter"_

Harry looked at the picture at the bottom of the page. A picture of himself from the Ministry fiasco stared blankly back at him. Why they had chosen that picture out of all the other ones, he didn't know. He stared in shock at the article. Why would they publish this? Why would Dumbledore let them publish this? And most importantly, why didn't anyone show him?

He heard footsteps coming up the stairs and he hope it wasn't Ron. He felt hurt and embarrassed that they had let him find out this way. But sure enough, to his dismay, the door opened, and in came a mass of red hair.

"Hey sorry it took so long. Hermione kept stopping at all of the class rooms and the library." He didn't seem to notice Harry getting up and turning his back to him. Ignoring him.

"Plus a stupid third year girl- I think her name was Kathleen- started shouting at her sister for coming to Hogwarts this year. Her sisters a first year. I say, at least Fred and George wanted me here. Hey, you wanna play a game of chess? Harry?" Ron finally noticed Harry had stopped paying attention.

"Hey. You okay?" he asked. Harry was silent for a moment before he finally took a deep breath. Without even turning around, he said quietly,

"Why didn't you show me?" he held his breath waiting for an answer.

"Show you what?" Ron asked nervously.

"The articles!" Harry spun around angrily, "Why didn't you guys tell me that it had been posted in the papers? Everyone knows Ron!" Ron looked shocked.

"H-Harry mate. Dumbledore thought it would be best if you didn't know. So you wouldn't be as stressed. I'm sorry. I wanted to show you."

Harry let out a frustrated growl.

"Why does he always have to hide everything from me? And why do you guys always listen to him? I was going to find out eventually that everyone knew wasn't I? No one could even give me a warning? I'm not a bloody kid anymore!" Ron looked at his shoes.

"Well with how you've been acting lately, it's better that you didn't know." Harry stopped and looked stunned.

"With how I've been acting? How should I be acting exactly?" he asked menacingly.

"Harry that's not what I meant. I know it's not your fault but-"

"Not it's fine Ron. I'm going to bed."

"No Harry wait-"

"Night Ron." He shoved his glasses on the night stand and pulled the hangings around his bed. He couldn't sleep that night due to his fuming. How was he going to face everyone tomorrow? How much did they know? Merlin he wanted his razor.

"Oi! Mate! Wake up! We're gonna miss breakfast." A piece of clothing was thrown unceremoniously on his head. He groaned. He wasn't sure when he had fallen asleep, but he was sure it had been getting light outside. He sat up rubbing his eyes and put his glasses on. When he looked up he saw Ron with an amused grin on his face.

"Only the first day and you already can't get up mate?" he said with an upbeat, hopeful voice. Harry knew he was trying to get him to forget about last night, but he wasn't quite ready to be so forgiving yet. He looked at Ron with a glare and the grin slipped off of Ron's face immediately. He looked down at his shoes.

"Look Harry I'm sorry. I'll wait downstairs with Hermione." With that he turned and went downstairs, not giving Harry another glance.

Harry thought sleeping would wear down his anger but it hadn't. the fact that he didn't get any knowledge of what people knew about him was infuriating. Everyone was going to treat him like he was crazy again and they hadn't even thought him worthy enough to tell him. He hated feeling this angry. He wanted to put an end to it, but remembered the promise he made to himself.

He rolled up his sleeve and ran a finger across the bumpy surface of his cuts. Some of them were nothing more than faint pink scars now, while the newer ones were still red and scabbed. He sighed and cast a Glamour Charm to hide was nice to not have to worry about them.

He got ready in a hurry and went downstairs to find Ron and Hermione talking in hurried, hushed voices. Hermione looked up and saw him and shoved Ron in the shoulder. Harry felt the anger rise up with vengeance again. Hermione opened her mouth to say something but Harry ignored it and stalked off through the portrait hole. Ron and Hermione must have gotten the hint, for they weren't following him like he thought they would.

As he neared closer to the Great Hall, he found himself getting more and more nervous. There were loud voices coming from the room and he hesitated outside the door.

He couldn't go in. not now that he knew they knew. He couldn't handle the whispers and stares today. He was lost in his inner fight when he saw two people walking towards him. They saw his tense face and decided it would be better to go in. Fighting with an angry Harry was pointless. Ron held the door open and looked back at Harry pointedly.

"Coming?" Harry mumbled something under his breath and grudgingly followed them to their normal spots, not talking. Breakfast between them was a silent affair. The only talking was when Ron asked Hermione if there was anything in the news. Hermione sighed,

"Not much. But a Ministry official went missing apparently. Martha Dolphus hasn't been seen in about three days. Death Eaters you think?"

"Prbly." Ron said with his mouth full, "Dad shays there goin afer anone at th min'sry." Hermione looked distinctly disgusted for a second before replying.

"Have they increased security then? At this rate, the death eaters will be taking over within the year."

"Course they have. Dad has to leave for work almost an hour earlier just to get there on time now."

"What about protection at home?" They all knew she was referring to the Weasley's needing more protection. Harry tensed and glanced up. Ron gave her a why-would-you-bring-that-up sort of look before answering,

"The Ministry doesn't provide much but Dumbledore came by earlier in the summer. He put up some extra wards." He glanced briefly at Harry and then the three of them went silent for the rest of the meal.

Although he was still angry at them, he felt guilt tugging on his insides and burning a hole through his stomach. They shouldn't have to have extra wards because of him. If they were smart, they would just leave him alone and never talk to him again. At least they would be safer then. However, he knew deep down that they would never stop talking to him and Voldemort would target them anyway.

The first day back was slow. First they had Transfiguration with the Hufflepuffs. When he tried to transfigure his tea cup into a pixie, he caught sight of Hermione and Ron giving each other looks and whispering. He knew they were talking about him and it made him so angry that the teacup ended up shattering in a fit of green sparks. Professor McGonagall had given him a stern look and told him to clean it up. Ron and Hermione kept shooting him worried glanced.

Next was Charms. Hermione had taken another class so he and Ron sat a table together with Neville who kept on giving guilty looks to Ron who was burning holes in Neville's forehead. Harry had still yet to talk to anyone. He didn't have any mishaps in that class, but on the way down to his last class, Double Potions with the Slytherins, his bag ripped and spilled his papers and ink everywhere. He groaned and as Ron bent down to help him, he said,

"No don't bother. Go on. No use in us both being late."

"You sure?"

"Yeah it's fine. Go." Ron looked unsure but went down to the dungeons anyway.

It took him at least 5 minutes before he was finally making his way down to Snape's room. He opened the door quietly and took his seat at Ron and Hermione's table. Without even turning around from the board, he heard Snape's low drawl,

"Nice to see you've graced us with your presence Potter. 20 point from Gryffindor." The others groaned.

"Today we will be making The Living Nightmare Drought. Cleverly named because nearly 50 years ago dark wizards and witches would force their victims to drink this. Simply put, this potion brings forth the worst memories in a person's mind and plays them over and over again. It was used to torture and drive them into madness. At the end of two hours, I will make rounds and we will see who's is adequate enough to be tested."

"Sir, we can't honestly test that on someone can we?" Hermione looked terrified. Harry knew exactly why. He himself felt a chill run down him spine as Snape said coldly,

"We can, and we will." His eyes flickered toward Harry momentarily. "Directions are on the board. Begin."

And so they set to work. Hermione with Neville. So he wouldn't screw up, and Harry with Ron, as always. He knew Snape would test it on him and the thought scared him. He couldn't relive that in front of the class. Especially the Slytherins. He would never hear the end of it.

By the end of the class Snape was making rounds as promised. Neville's and Hermione's was near perfect and Neville looked so proud as Snape looked in, merely grunted, and walked away.

Harry and Ron didn't fare so well however. What was supposed to be a murky greenish color had turned into an electric blue. Snape looked in and smirked.

"Zero for you two today. Potter! Up to the front of the classroom! Longbottom! Fill a vile of your potion." Harry's insides froze. Ron and Hermione looked at him in horror.

"Professor. Please. You can't." Hermione looked startled.

"I believe it is up to me what I do in my own classroom Granger so sit down." His eyes were boring into Harry's as he walked slowly to the front of the classroom. The Slytherins were whooping as he went up. Neville walked up behind him and handed him the vile with a very apologetic look on his face.

"It's okay Neville. It's not your fault." Harry whispered as he uncorked the vile with a pop. He took a deep breath and shot back the potion. It tasted like week old dirty socks smell. He almost gagged when it went down. For a second or two after he downed it, all was quite. Then a scream pierced his years. He looked around terrified that something had just happened. But as he looked around, everyone was perfectly fine. They were staring at him with confused eyes. And then all of a sudden it was as if a transparent film was covering his eyes. He could still vaguely see the classroom, but he could also see and hear memories flashing before his eyes.

_"Not Harry! Please not Harry! Take me instead!"_

_ "Step aside you silly girl! Step aside now!"_

He was watching in horror. He didn't care if he was being watched. He couldn't remember that he was being watched. The memory switched.

_'He was swimming in the black lake. As he neared the posts, he saw his two best friends floating before him. They looked dead.'_

"No!" he frantically tried to fight the potion, but it was too strong. The next memory came forward.

_"Harry take my body back to my parents." Cedric said_

_ "Sweet heart you're ready. Let go!" his mum said_

_ He broke his connection and ran to Cedric's lifeless body as he summoned the cup. Then he felt himself slam into the ground. Everyone cheered… he was walking through the grounds and everyone was whispering and staring as he passed. No one believed him…he was running through the Department of Mysteries… Sirius falling through the veil… casting the cruciatus…getting possessed…dragging his cousin through the doorway of the kitchen…he was being dragged on the stone floor…hands were all on top of him pushing against his shirt…someone lay on top of him and pushed forward causing unbearable pain… Remus dead on the bed… the graves…_

Just as he thought it would never end, he felt something else being forced down his throat and his vision cleared. He felt dizzy. His face was wet and he was breathing hard. Somehow he had ended up on the ground. He didn't remember falling but his sore knees seemed to prove that he did. His throat was also sore. He assumed he had been screaming. He looked up and saw Ron and Hermione looking at him with mingled looks of both fear and absolute fury aimed he was sure, at Snape.

He looked up at Snape. He had a giant grin on his face and he gave a humorless, evil chuckle.

"You really are weak Potter. Pathetic." Harry didn't know how one man could hate him so much except for Voldemort. Hermione came over and tried to help him up, but he shrugged her off. He wiped his face, and as the Slytherins starting to jeer, he bolted. He couldn't be in that classroom anymore. He also couldn't keep him promise to himself anymore. He ran straight to his razor as tears flowed freely down his face the whole way.


	14. What Goes Bump in the Night

What Goes Bump in the Night

The halls were empty. The only thing that could be heard were his feet slapping the floor at an unbelievable pace, and his harsh breathing as he tried to control himself. He was too absorbed in his racing mind which now had visions of screams, blood, and sweaty body's on top of him.

He yelled the password at the Fat Lady and bolted up the stairs to his dormitory. He had to get to his razor. This was the longest he had gone without it in a while, and pushing the feeling away wasn't working anymore. He ran to the bathroom, shut the door and locked it. His hands were shaking as he fumbled to pull the sharp metal from his bag. He found his object of choice and sat down heavily on the toilet lid, pulling up his sleeve as he went. He wasted no time as he brought it down the first time. He brought it down a second, a third, and on the fourth time, someone rushed into the bathroom. He looked up sharply and with rising terror, he saw Ron with a look of utter shock written across his stark white face.

"What are you doing?" Ron's eyes were wide as he ran over and fell to his knees in front of Harry trying to wrestle the razor from his hands.

"Ron stop! Let go of me! Let me do this!" He was screaming at the top of his lungs. He knew he was probably drawing attention and people could probably hear him all the way from the great hall, but he couldn't seem to control himself. Eventually he had fought so hard against Ron that in the process he had accidentally gave himself a fifth cut running diagonally down the others. He couldn't keep up his strength for long however, and eventually Ron succeeded in getting the blade away, throwing it across the room.

"Shit Harry. You're losing a lot." Ron got up and looked frantically around and found a small washcloth lying on the floor. He ran it under warm water and pressed it to the fresh cuts. At this point Harry could do nothing but sit there and stare at his arm and the blood that was now over him, the floor, and Ron. Ron looked up and the look in his eyes made Harry cringe in guilt. Ron's eyes were shining with tears and he had the look of a lost child.

"Why?" It was all that needed to be said. Harry tried to respond, but when he opened his mouth, nothing came out. He shrugged his shoulders helplessly as if asking, "why not?" He didn't notice he was even crying until he tasted the saltiness in his mouth. Ron wasn't much better. His flowed just as freely.

"Please. Don't do this again. Never again." They were both shaking as they sat there in silence. Words didn't seem to mean anything at that point. They sat like that for about 20 minutes until the bleeding stopped. When he was sure it had, Ron got up, took some bandages out of the cabinet and bent back down to begin wrapping. The whole time they were both still silent.

"What's going on Harry? Why won't you talk to me? You can't do this again Harry! Please!" Harry still wasn't able to make words just yet. He was hiccupping slightly and staring at his arm as it was hidden behind white gauze. Ron performed a sticking charm on it and sat back on his heels and looked back up at Harry.

"Harry look at me." He hesitated but slowly moved his eyes up to meet Ron's. "Why did you do this? How long has this been going on?" Harry studied Ron's face carefully before answering.

"Since a few days after the funeral. That day in the bath… Ron I-I-I can't-"he took a deep breath to steady himself, "Everything's so messed up. Nothings the same anymore. I just get so worked up and it's the only thing that calms me down. But… lately, it hasn't been enough. Yesterday I promised myself I wouldn't do it again. You almost walked in on me twice.

Ron's eyes widened, "When you were in the bathroom? When I got into the room?" Harry nodded and Ron groaned and put his face in his hands.

"I promised myself I wouldn't do it again. But-but Snape- and the memories… it was too much. And Ron…Ron I'm- I'm not so sure how far I would have gone…I… Ron." He ended in an almost desperate plea for him to understand. "Everything's just so screwed up. I'm screwed up." It was building up inside of him again. The urge. Ron already knew, so what was the harm in trying to relieve it? He started scratching at his right, unbandaged arm.

"Harry stop it!" Ron grabbed both of his hands and held them both so tightly both of their hands were white. Ron looked carefully into his eyes and said,

"Calm down Harry. Please. Just tell me what's wrong! What can I do to help?" Harry was trying to control his breathing. He seemed to be wracking his brains for something Ron could do to help him.

"Bring them back." He whispered. "Bring them all back. Sirius, Remus, my Parents, god even Dudley! Bring them back! And then obliviate me from everything they did!" Ron's eyes were calm but there was a sense of fear in them as well at the sincerity of Harry's words. He was starting to get that faraway look on his face, once again lost in memories. Ron tried calling to him, but he seemed too far gone. He sighed and stood up, pulling Harry up with him. He grabbed onto Harry's shoulder and guided him through the dorm and into the common room. People were just starting to file in from classes and most of them were looking at Harry with looks of either concern or trepidation. They were about to pass out the portrait hole when Hermione came in. She took one look at Harry and Ron's arm around his shoulders,

"Where are you guys going?" she aimed her question at Harry hoping he would answer, but it was Ron who did instead.

"We're going outside. He needs some air I think. He won't respond to me." she looked scared for a moment before making her way to Harry's other side and following them out into the hallway and down into the main entrance. When they opened the grand doors, it was pouring.

"Ron we should bring him back upstairs. It's raining to hard." but Ron ignored him and pulled Harry out into the middle of the courtyard in the pouring rain. For a second, Harry's eyes remained blank and unseeing. But as the rain continued to beat down on him and soak him to the bone, his eyes regained some of their lively green color and he lifted his arms to catch the rain. Ron stayed a few paces back, watching, to make sure he wasn't going to go crazy or something.

Harry's arms fell to his sides and his head faced forwards. His brain was clearing and he started shaking. Had Ron really just found out? He promised himself he wouldn't. He didn't know what came over him. It was like he couldn't control it. He just kept on making more and more cuts. He wasn't sure if he would have stopped himself unless Ron came in. he wasn't sure he_ wanted_ to stop. He wished he was still in the bathroom… bleeding. That thought scared him. He was breathing heavily, shaking, when he felt his knees buckle and arms lowered him to the hard, wet, ground gently. He felt both of his friends sitting beside him, holding him tightly as though that thought he might drift away. Maybe they were right. He felt unstable. As if he drew breath, it could send him spiraling down the black hole his mind had created over the past weeks.

He gripped their arms just as tightly. There were no tears anymore. There had been too many of those. The three of them simply sat there, soaked, arms wrapped around each other, each lost in their own thoughts. It was an hour later when Hermione finally suggested they go inside. The rain by then, had stopped to a small drizzle, but they were absolutely soaked.

They got dirty looks from Filch as they dripped water and tracked mud through the Hallways, but as they heard him muttering under his breath, they simply walked away. They were practically dragging Harry by the time they reached the Common Room. He was still regaining his strength, and the day had certainly taken its toll on him. He was nearly exhausted. They pulled him upstairs, which was thankfully empty, and gently pushed him down on the bed. They cast drying spells on all three of them, but Harry still shivered so they pulled the covers up to his chin.

"Do you want us to get you something to eat from dinner?" Ron asked when Harry opened his eyes. He remained silent. Still embarrassed, but shook his head.

"Alright then. Just sleep. Ron and I will stay here and get Dobby to send us up something. The look on Harry's face clearly told them that he didn't want them to stay, but they weren't going to leave him for anything. Harry sighed and then turned his back away from them, curling up into a ball in the center of his bed. He fell asleep almost instantly.

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_He was sitting at a table looking down at his most loyal servants. He stroked his wand in his hands and felt Nagini slither up the chair and settle around his shoulders._

_ "I have brought you all here tonight because you have shown me great loyalty since my return. Your reward will be worth it. I would like you all to apparate to Godric's Hollow." The Death Eaters looked confused but one by one they disappeared, ending up at once in a small little town. They stood in a circle and waited for their master to arrive. With a loud crack, a pale man, with billowing black robes took the center. _

_ "My fellow comrades, you have all served me with grace and gratitude. I thought it time to finally reward you for your efforts. As you may know, Godric's Hollow was the place of one particular family residence. The Potter's lived down the road from here until yours truly put an end to those miserable parents' lives. Unfortunately the boy was saved by his precious mothers sacrifice._

_ "He lives to this day and I have come to believe that he is forgetting who truly runs the wizarding world. Tonight we shall make him remember. Tonight we attack!" there was an eruption of noise among the Death Eaters as they cheered and whooped._

_ "I have brought him here tonight to witness our triumph." At this the death eaters looked around to find the bay, tied up, but Voldemort quickly assuaged them._

_ "Not physically is he with us, but here, watching from my mind in his dreams. Enjoy the show Harry. It's all for you." He let out a triumphant yell and threw green sparks into the air, signaling the beginning of the attack. All at once, there were battle cries and shouts and bright colorful lights in the air. Residents of Godric's Hollow were coming out of their homes to see what was happening, only to be killed the second they were seen, or to run back into the house and hide their families. Everything Harry saw now was from Voldemort's mind. He was strolling through the battle calmly, watching in pride at the mass destruction and terror both he and his servants were creating. As he was walking, a small child, a boy of about four years old caught his attention. He was sitting curled up behind a rubbish bin shaking as tears poured down his face. An older man who looked to be about thirty or so lay on the ground motionless a few feet away, eyes open in terror, and blood pooling around him from underneath. He looked back at the child who was screaming for the man to wake up, not even noticing the snakelike man in front of him watching,_

_ "Daddy! Wake up Daddy! Daddy!" the screams were loud and annoying to Voldemort's ears._

_ "Shut up child, he can't come back." The child continued screaming and crying, his little face turning red from the effort. Spells were flying, people were yelling. It was utter chaos. The young boy's screams were ringing in his head, making his head throb. It wouldn't stop, so he had to silence it somehow. He raised his wand lazily and with no words, a jet of green light burst forward and the screams stopped instantly. The small boy was lying on the ground with a red face. The eyes were blank and unseeing._

_ The rest of the dream went by in a blur. Only short bits of the attack went by. It was utter chaos, but they strode through the battle calmly. It became less and less chaotic as they got deeper into the village. They came to a stop and turned to the left. There was a grandiose church and beside it, a small graveyard. They walked through the gate and travelled to the back of the graves. When they came to a stop, Voldemort could feel Harry's mind trying to fight with his own._

_ "Don't even try it Harry. You won't win. Let this be a wakeup call to you. You're running out of time. Your fight has only begun."_

_ He raised his wand and pointed it at the four graves in front of him. The dirt lifted from the earth and revealed four coffins lying side by side._

_ "Say goodbye to your family Harry." And with that the coffins vanished with a crack. Sirius, Remus, and his parents were nowhere to be found._

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The dorm was silent. All the boys were sleeping peacefully for the first time since the year had begun. It didn't last long however. There was a rustling of bed sheets and then low mumbles. Neville woke up first, confused, but then quickly realized where the distressed noises were coming from.

"Ron! Ron wake up!" he whispered and threw a pillow in the direction he knew to be Ron's bed.

"What? Huh? Nghhh. Neville wha' was that for?" he replied in an annoyed, half asleep voice.

"It's Harry again. He's dreaming."

"You know you are allowed to wake him up instead of me." He sounded cross, but the feeling didn't last.

"I've seen his right hook when he wakes up sometimes. I'm not risking it." Ron grunted and got out of bed.

"Go back to sleep then. I'll take care of it." Harry was getting louder and his thrashing was increasing to a violent level.

"Harry wake up. It's just a dream. C'mon wake up" He was trying to shake him awake, but nothing was working. Suddenly his eyes snapped open. At first Ron was relieved, but as he got a closer look, he recoiled in fright letting out a yelp. The others, hearing the commotion, started stirring. Harry's eyes were red. They were staring at the ceiling in murderous satisfaction.

"Shut up child. He can't come back" The voice wasn't Harry's.

"Bloody hell! What's going on?" Seamus looked terrified, backing into a wall near his headboard.

"Someone get McGonagall! Hurry!" Dean took one more worried glance over at Harry and bolted out the door.

"What's going on?" Seamus asked again as Harry's eyes closed and he let out a blood curdling scream. A crowd was now forming outside of the room. Curious eyes peered through the doorway. Many seemed to think they were under attack. Ron made sure he was standing in front of Harry to cover him. He didn't think his friend would want this as a public display. He was thrashing so hard that Ron thought he might even hurt himself. He got onto the bed and lay across his chest, pinning down his arms.

"Someone get his legs!" He was practically yelling. Seamus looked frozen on the spot, but Neville ran over and lay over Harry, Effectively pinning him to the bed. Suddenly the struggling stopped. Ron looked down into Harry's face and saw pure green eyes staring back at him. They were dead looking, yet still terrified.

"Get off." Harry's voice was ragged and he winced as pain shot through his throat.

"The truth of what he had just seen hit him full force. He was unaware of the people in the room and outside. He felt the bile rising in his throat and before he knew it, he was being pulled into a sitting position and a bin was pushed into his lap. Retching violently, he didn't hear the rushed footsteps coming into the room.

"Let me through!" McGonagall pushed her way through and looked down in shock at the scene.

"Potter what is it? What's happened?" she cleared up the mess from the bin while he took deep breaths and wiped his mouth. He couldn't calm himself down enough to even begin to talk, so Ron started for him,

"He had some kind of vision professor. His eyes were all off, and his voice too." He was hoping that was enough of a clue for her to know how serious the situation was. She did seem to understand. She looked down from Ron to Harry who was white and shaking, bracing his hand on Ron's shoulder. He refused to meet anyone's eyes. The crowd outside the door had begun to whisper.

"Potter can you walk?" Harry nodded and as if to prove it, he shrugged Ron off and got shakily to his feet. He still shook violently, and walking was hard, but he managed to make it through the crowds of people with Ron and Hermione who had pushed her way to them, and outside of the portrait hole. Once outside, the exhaustion and shock made him nearly collapse. Ron and Hermione had taken on arm each and steadied him as he swayed dangerously. They stopped for a moment and McGonagall turned to them.

"Potter what happened? What did you see?" Harry swallowed thickly before answering.

"He attacked Godric's Hollow. So many died. The graves…" finished in a whisper. They seemed to know they wouldn't get anything else out of him, so they made their way to Dumbledore's office. They knocked and soon heard a quiet, "come in". They dragged Harry in and were frozen as they saw a beat down looking Snape sitting in front of Dumbledore's desk with his elbows on his knees, and his head in his hands. He looked bloodied and beaten. Dumbledore looked at them and then turned to Snape.

"Go to the hospital wing and get Poppy to give you something. Rest Severus." Snape nodded warily and stood, brushing past the group silently.

"Here Harry, sit. You look worn. I've been expecting you tonight. I suspect you saw the attack?" Harry tensed in his seat with his back straight. He still couldn't seem to talk, so he nodded slightly.

"I'm very sorry you had to witness that Harry. I knew of the attack, but I didn't think he would try to get to you this soon. But Severus sent me a message from the scene that said he had you trapped inside his mind." Harry sat there stark white, still staring off into nothingness.

"What'd you see Harry? Severus saw him walking somewhere, but he didn't know where. Where did he take you?" he bit his lip and he answered softly in a voice that he hoped sounded collected.

"He was walking down a street and saw a small kid hiding. I guess his dad was dead because he was yelling at this man to wake up. Voldemort-"Ron visibly flinched, "was angry and he told the kid he couldn't come back…he killed him. Just like that. No thoughts or feelings about it. He was so young." His voice was wavering, but he continued on, "he walked into the graveyard and he broke into four graves. The coffins disappeared." He couldn't go on after that. The terror of the nightmare refused to release its grasp. Dumbledore seemed to notice and he got up to kneel in front of Harry.

"Was it your parents and Sirius and Remus?" he offered softly. Harry breathed in sharply and nodded.

"I'll make sure they're recovered Harry. But you didn't…. he didn't show you the….bodies did he?" he seemed worried but Harry shook his head, and he sighed in relief.

"We'll do everything to fix the damage Harry. For now I suggest you go and try to get some sleep. I believe Mr. Weasley and Ms. Granger can help you. Minerva can you stay for a moment please? Order business."

"Of course Albus. Feel better Potter." Harry stood up tiredly and trudged his way out the door behind his two friends. They walked to the common room in silence. Ron and Hermione gave him worried glances the whole way, but he didn't seem to notice. A voice brought him out of his thought.

"Harry are you going to be okay?" Hermione looked at him with concern.

"I'm fine. Just tired." He just wanted to go back up to bed and wallow in his self-pity.

"Harry I hardly think you're okay." She always had to push.

"I said I'm fine!" he turned in frustration and stomped upstairs, leaving Ron and Hermione behind. Everyone seemed to have gone back to bed, so he climbed back into bed and pulled the curtains closed behind him. He lay there with pictures of the young child and the graves flashing across his mind.

Twenty or so minutes later he heard Ron come in and walk over to Harry's bed.

"Harry? You awake?" he whispered. Harry didn't answer, pretending to be asleep as Ron cracked open the curtains. He sighed, unconvinced with the charade, but decided not to pry. He leaned down and took off his glasses and closed the curtains again.

"Night mate." He said as he closed them. Harry opened his eyes and flipped onto his back. He wouldn't be sleeping anymore tonight.

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He wasn't aware of falling back to sleep, but sure enough he had. Ron stood over him shaking him slightly.

"Harry? You going to classes today? If you don't I'm sure McGonagall would understand." Harry blinked up to him tiredly and rubbed his eyes.

"We don't have potions today do we?" Ron shook his head.

"Then I'll go. I can't skip already. It's only the second day." He swung his legs around to the edge of the bed and stretched his arms behind his head.

"I'm sure you don't have to go. We do have Herbology with the Slytherins you know. They won't be very polite." Harry sighed.

"I know" Ron shrugged.

"Alright well I'll wait for you downstairs." He turned and left. Harry sat there for a moment and rubbed his face. For only a few hours of real sleep, he didn't feel too deprived. Once he had fallen back to sleep, he slept peacefully the rest of the night. Voldemort apparently didn't feel the need to draw him in again for the "after party".

He hadn't really realized that Snape had been one of the Death Eaters there, but that just made the idea of facing him again even worse. Yesterday had been truly one of the worst first days back he had ever had. He didn't want to face Ron and Hermione either after the way he had acted yesterday. He had yelled and sulked and raged and cried. He was embarrassed and ashamed of how they thought of him now. They were probably going to get fed up if he couldn't get it together. He couldn't lose them. If he had to feign excitement and happiness to make them stay, that he would. He would joke and laugh and converse with them even in he had to force it. He couldn't lose them too. With that vow to himself, he got up to start the day. With a quick shower and fresh clothes, he made his way down the stairs to the common room. Ron was waiting with both of their bags. Hermione wasn't there.

"Where's Hermione?" he asked curiously.

"She went down earlier so she could go talk to one of her teachers." Harry nodded, and trying to act normal said,

"Well I'm starved. C'mon!" he smiled and then turned out the door leaving a very confused Ron behind him. He was pretty sure he had sounded a bit over the top, but it was a start.

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His charade lasted all day. During classes, he was alert and engaged. During lunch he was loading his plate up (which he still couldn't eat much of), and participating in conversations over Quidditch excitedly. He thought he was doing a great job of acting normally, but his act hadn't gone by unnoticed. It was after their last class of the day and Ron knew something was up when Snape had taken points off of Gryffindor because Harry had dropped his book and it had been too loud and he hadn't even fought back. He simply nodded and continued walking. Even Snape seemed slightly shocked. Ron was shocked motionless for a minute and when Harry kept on walking, he ran to catch up to him.

"Harry! Wait up! What the bloody hell was that about?"

"What was what about?" he stopped and turned to Ron.

"That!" he gestured to the place where they had been standing only moments before. "You didn't even fight back! What's gotten into you?" Harry looked at him confused.

"I just don't think he's worth it. Sorry I'm acting so weird." He knew he sounded a bit cross, but he didn't care.

"It's not just that thought. You've been weird all day. Your acting too… happy." He cringed the moment the words came out.

"Too happy? What, do you want me to mope around more? I'm sorry if I don't feel the need to wallow in self-pity anymore. I think I've done enough of that." His voice was getting an edge to it and he knew if he didn't calm down, he was going to blow his cover.

"Harry, it's been less than two months and after that vision last night, I know you're not okay. Why are you trying to pretend?" Ron sounded truly worried.

"I'm not pretending Ron. I'm fine okay? You don't need to worry alright? I'm not gonna do what I did yesterday again okay?" This seemed exactly what Ron was worried about.

"You promised yourself that before too though. And you still gave in…" something flashed in Harry's eyes and he turned and walked away as calmly as he could. How could Ron say that? It was although he was calling him weak. He wasn't weak! He turned into the nearest bathroom and locked the stall. Once he was sure he was alone. He punched the wall as hard as he could. He didn't know where this sudden rage had come from. It wasn't as if he was really mad at Ron. What he said wasn't that offending. Was he mad at Snape? No. Not for the points anyway. He had been taking points from Gryffindor for no reason since Harry had started school. It had lost most of its effect. So why was he mad? Everything had been so jumbled today. He couldn't tell what he was feeling, if anything at all. He was acting happy, but he knew he certainly didn't feel it. He also didn't feel sad necessarily. He kind of felt numb. It was the same feeling he'd had when he had gone to the Dursley's this summer. Going through the motions to keep up his charade was exhausting. He didn't think he could keep it up for very long.

He sank down heavily to the floor and rested his back against the stall door. His hand was stinging in pain. It almost felt nice. Similar to his blade. It was throbbing in a steady pulse with his heart, and a sting emerged at his bloodied knuckles. He knew he had done some real damage, but he wanted a few moments of calm before he guessed Ron would find him and rush him to Madam Pomfrey.

As if right on cue, there was the sound of footsteps and then a knock on the stall.

"Harry you in there?" Ron sounded slightly hesitant. It was as if he was afraid of causing another blow up. Harry winced in guilt, but quickly brushed it aside as he got to his feet hurriedly. He put on his mask of feigned happiness, and unlocked the door to find an uneasy looking Ron standing there with his hands in his pockets.

"Hey. Look I'm sorry. I overreacted. If you're sure you're really okay, I should trust you." He looked up and met Harry's face. He just nodded and they left to go to dinner. They were going out the door, when Ron's hand accidentally hit Harry's as they walked next to each other. The second contact had been made; Harry let out a hiss and held his hand to his chest. Ron looked concerned.

"What happened? Let me see." Harry reluctantly showed Ron his hand and the taller boy looked horrified.

"Harry! What…? I thought you said you wouldn't do it again?"

"What? No! Ron, I didn't! I swear!" He was trying to pull his hand away, but Ron had a furious grip on him.

"We're going to the hospital wing, and then you're telling me exactly why you did it this time."

"Ron you have to listen to me! It's not what it looks like!" Ron wouldn't hear it though, so he gave up trying to let himself be pulled like a rag doll to the hospital wing. When they got there Ron pushed him into the chair and went to go get Madam Pomfrey, who looked slightly annoyed at having a patient this soon into the year.

"Oh Mr. Potter what brings you here? Do you need any more pain potions, Dreamless sleep?"

"No. None of that Madam Pomfrey. I just need to have my hand healed." He looked down sheepishly to his bloodied and swollen hand.

"What did you do this time?" she sighed.

"Snape made me mad so I got mad and punched the wall" he said the last part to Ron, who had the decency to look slightly ashamed.

She clucked her tongue disapprovingly. "Well I have to say, at least it was the wall and not Severus himself." She went to work and within two or three minutes his hand was back to exactly the way it had been.

"Thank you Madam Pomfrey." He called as he left with Ron. They walked in silence most of the way, but Ron didn't seem to like the quiet.

"Is that really what happened Harry?" He was searching for any type of lie that marked Harry's face but didn't seem to find any as Harry nodded and looked him straight in the face and said,

"I'm sure Ron. I told you, I'm done with that. It may not be easy, and I'll want to, but I won't. I won't lie to you though. When I punched the wall, it felt similar and it was kind of nice, but I didn't mean for it to happen. I swear." Ron nodded and without making eye contact muttered,

"Just- just make sure, if you ever have that urge, or feeling, talk to me. I don't want to risk anything happening again Harry. Please. Promise me that." He looked back into Harry's eyes. He felt surprised by Ron's passion behind those words. He truly meant them. And because of that,

"I promise." Ron nodded and they made the rest of the way back to the Great Hall in absolute silence.


End file.
